JONATHAN CAINER

Dear Jonathan, I caught wind of some kind of war taking place in the United States. Can you tell me anything about this? Jacqui

Dear Jacqui, Where were you when you ‘caught wind’ of this? Somewhere on the internet, by any chance? There’s definitely a kind of war going on between those who think we have something to fear from each other and those who believe that, if we all trust, we can create a glorious tomorrow. But that battle has raged since the dawn of time and may last as long unless the power of love prevails! ARIES

Mar 21 — Apr 20 NONE of us likes to feel confused. We are reassured by feeling we understand what’s going on around us and what part we’re expected to play in any unfolding drama. Even if we don’t much care for our situation or for the position that it puts us in, we’re still comforted, to some extent, by our own ability to comprehend. We like this so much that sometimes we kid ourselves into thinking we have greater insight than we actually do. But today, trust what you think you know. You do know it! Need to change your life? A quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake and it will make everything feel better. Call 1550 511 611.

TAURUS

Apr 21 — May 21 AS REGULAR readers know, we have recently been debating whether or not everything is predestined. In case you missed it, I should share with you the news that some people have found surprising. Despite my profession, I’m unequivocally on the side of choice and our power to dictate the course of our own destiny. And I mention all this today because so much now depends on how you respond to a challenge. If you believe that you can rise to it successfully, that is what you will do! Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 1550 511 611.

GEMINI

May 22 — June 22 NO LAW demands every home should have a TV. Yet rare are those without one. In many a household, the great screen blares out show after show all day, every day. Those who prefer not to watch are seen, if not as outlaws, as pariahs. But even if we own one, there’s no obligation to consume the entirety of its output. We could say much the same about all the thoughts that bubble up in our brain. Don’t take an idea too seriously, today, just because you happen to have had it. Your light-shedding, hope-giving, heart-warming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 1550 511 611.

CANCER

June 23 — July 23 WHAT kind of entrepreneur enters the mirror manufacturing industry? Each day must be fraught with anxiety. Never mind the financial cost of an accident, if the cosmic penalty for breaking a single looking glass is seven years’ bad luck, what if a delivery driver drops a boxful? Or are all staff first scrutinised by the HR department to ensure they’re already under a strong spell of protection? Some situations aren’t as difficult as we fear or imagine. You are making just such a discovery today. Need to change your life? A quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake and it will make everything feel better. Call 1550 511 611.

LEO IS LIFE

July 24 — Aug 23 exciting enough for you? Or might it lately have become just a little too tense and dramatic? Have you begun to steel yourself for more tension and turmoil? Are you starting to suspect that whatever you do, you’ll never be free from some shadow of doom or despair? Well, snap out of that straight away! It’s a daft idea and the sooner you leave it behind, the happier you’ll be. Venus is changing direction in your sign now. After a period of reflection

comes a cause for celebration. Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 1550 511 611.

VIRGO ‘ALL WORK and no

Aug 24 — Sep 23 play makes Jill a dull girl’ and Jack a dull boy, too. If dull were all that it made them, it might not be so bad. They could just keep on trundling up and down the hill, repeating errors while failing to learn from them. And those who sought more scintillating conversation could simply look elsewhere. But a lack of fun doesn’t just depress the ability to be socially attractive, it restricts the imagination, too. And problem-solving calls for creativity. That is why you should take frivolity seriously today! Your light-shedding, hope-giving, heartwarming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 1550 511 611. LIBRA

Sep 24 — Oct 23 IF WE’RE all born equal and, assuming that Orwell’s remark in Animal Farm is wrong, some of us are not ‘more equal than others’, how can any of us expect to get special help from the cosmos? If seven billion people are all calling the cosmic hotline at once, there must be one heck of a ‘call waiting’ system! Or perhaps it doesn’t work that way. Maybe the universe prioritises you because it’s not something separate that requires application. It’s you. What else explains today’s magic? Need to change your life? A quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake and it will make everything feel better. Call 1550 511 611.

SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22 WHO is in charge of you? Who calls the shots? Who plays the tune to which you dance? Who sets the standard that you strive to live up to? And what exactly lies behind your surprisingly strong sense of social duty? Why do you comply with so many conventions? Why do you respect so many rules? While some of these must have been called into question by recent events, it is clear that you are now making a great contribution to a shared social situation where someone needs to set a noble example. Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 1550 511 611.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov 23 — Dec 21 IF YOU have backache, perhaps it’s due to the weight of your wings. They may be invisible, but take you into angelic territory that’s real enough, often enough, don’t they? A headache? Perhaps your halo is burning too brightly with the phosphorescent glow that only a true saint can sustain. Perhaps you’re not sure you have such superhuman qualities? Ah, but strangely, it seems you do. And if you allow your heart to lead you, you’ll yet mange to work miracles. Your light-shedding, hope-giving, heartwarming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 1550 511 611.

CAPRICORN

Dec 22 — Jan 20 YOU are doing well. You look set soon to do even better. But perhaps you don’t see it this way. You may be aware of what is wrong, conscious only of what you lack and of some strange, unnerving fear that perhaps you’ll never be able to fix what is wrong. But that is a psychological challenge to rise to and in no way reflects the reality of your physical situation. You’ve already come a long way in the right direction. Today’s events will take you even further as long as you remain brave and hopeful. Need to change your life? A quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake and it will make everything feel better. Call 1550 511 611.

AQUARIUS

Jan 21 — Feb 19 UNLESS you’re a tree specialist, one oak probably looks much like another. And if shown two birds of similar size, hue and plumage, only an ornithologist may be able to discern a difference. Quite probably, if you happen to be from Mars, all humans might look much the same to you, too. Details that seem all but irrelevant to one person can be crucial to another. While some may wonder what all the fuss is about, where it counts, today, the right boxes will be ticked. Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 1550 511 611.

PISCES

Feb 20 — Mar 20 THE current‘ health and safety’ culture is not as new as some might think. The great comedic king of the silent movie era was Harold Lloyd, back in the Twenties. He ribbed the world for being risk averse in a classic film called Safety Last. Now I’m not, for one moment, suggesting you can take a cavalier approach to a possible physical danger today. But I must draw your attention to the extreme over-caution with which a particular proposition is now being viewed. Less can go wrong than you fear. Your light-shedding, hope-giving, heart-warming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 1550 511 611.