We’re mean to loved ones because they love us most

Dimitri Moore’s mom has always been a saint – or, in his own words, a “supermom.” But he didn’t always treat her like one.

The mom of six did everything for him after their father died. She took off time at work to attend all of his football games and made sacrifices for his siblings. She loved him unconditionally and wanted to see him happy – even if it came at the expense of her own time.

Yet the now 23-year-old recalls treating her with disrespect when he was a teenager. He’d get angry at her for the “dumbest” things and impulsively lash out in response to simple questions about his whereabouts. To this day, his harsh words haunt him.

“She’s had our back regardless of if we’re right or wrong, and she’s literally lost out on relationships with people because of her kids,” Moore reflects. “She didn’t deserve that. She just loves us so much, and it took me so much time to realize that she’d spend almost 100% of her time for us, and not herself.”

Many people do this to those who make them feel the safest, whether it’s supportive parents, close friends or loving spouses. But why do we push away and take for granted the ones we love most?

Some people think we’re only rude to mean people who deserve it. Yet Lisa Smith, a licensed therapist and host of “So My Mom’s a Therapist” podcast, says that isn’t true.

Moore’s mom was one of the most supportive figures in his life, who stuck with him through his mistakes.

“But sometimes, we take people for granted because of how much they’ve done for us, and we treat them however we feel because they’ll never leave our side,” he says.

The truth is, we tend to be more hostile to those we love most, even when they don’t deserve it. Research has shown that romantic partners, best friends and family members are the most common targets of our “everyday aggression,” such as yelling, heated confrontations and hurtful gossip.

This is because we’re so comfortable with them – comfortable enough to show uglier, meaner sides of us that may turn strangers off, Smith says.

Like many teens, Roodabeh Far spent much of her free time alone in her room. Her dad often checked up on her to see what she was doing or whether she wanted to play chess or go for a walk. But her instinct was to get annoyed and snap at him. She wanted to be left alone.

According to Smith, many teens will use anger to create boundaries in order to experiment with autonomy.

“When teens push away their parents away, what they’re really looking to do subconsciously is figure out if there is space for them in this house,” Smith says.

Far later confronted a harsh reality: that her father wouldn’t always be there. It took her years to understand that his seemingly annoying gestures were an effort to spend time with his daughter as he silently battled cancer.

“I realized it when it was too late. My father died, and I dodged all the opportunities to spend time with him,” says Far, now 20. “I didn’t know he asked so often because he knew he would be gone soon, and I regret ignoring him or getting angry with him, because I would give anything now to spend more time with my dead father.”

Many people regret the way they treated their loved ones during a difficult time. Sometimes, we’re condescending and rude to them. Other times, we disrespect them through our actions.

But when it comes to teens, Smith says they aren’t acting this way to be intentionally malicious, and many parents have already forgiven their kids.

“The majority of teenagers, as much as they love their parents, are self-centered, and their world is very egocentric,” she says. “That’s what being a teen is – the world revolves around them.”