BAN THE BUTTS

Jeff Edelstein: Outlawing smoking won’t work, it’s time to ...

And ... it’s time for the United States government to ban the sale of cigarettes. Understand, I say this as a capitalist, as a libertarian-lite, as a “don’t tread on me” -type of character. I’m usually on the far-right (and, I reckon, far-left) when it comes to the government telling me what I can and can’t do.

But on this issue? The time has come to act.

My reasoning is simple: Because over 90 percent of all smokers start smoking as children, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. As a result, I can’t believe there’s one adult smoker who looks back on that decision and thinks, “Hey, you know what? That was a good choice I made back when I was a teenager. So glad I started smoking.”

In short: No reasonable adult would ever pick up the habit. People start when they’re young, and then spend the rest of their life fighting off an addiction many studies claim is even more powerful than heroin.

So yeah. Enough is enough. One in five deaths in America each year would be avoided if every smoker could turn back time. ***** Man, I remember my first cigarette. I really do. I was 14, my parents left me home alone, and I rode my bike and bought myself a pack of Newport Lights at a tiny little local grocery that didn’t believe in age discrimination.

See, some of my friends smoked, and I never did. I was scared. Not scared of the cigarette; scared of hacking and coughing and them laughing at me. I didn’t want to look uncool. So I planned this out. My first smoke would be alone.

I’m on the back deck. Packed the cigarettes like all the cool kids did. Ripped open the seal. Took one out, put it in my mouth, lit the match and ...

And I swear, I remember the feeling. Kind of queasy in the belly, but more than made up for with the swirling feeling in my head. Maybe we forget — and it’s certainly not discussed in any real manner — but that first cigarette, those first few you ever have? You get — lack of a better word — high.

I became a weekend smoker throughout high school. Then I went off to college, University of Maryland. There was a cigarette vending machine in my dorm. (This is 1990, for the record.) I switched to Camel Lights, $1.40 a pack, and that was that. I smoked a pack or more a day for the next 10 years or so, then cut back to a half-pack most days, tried to quit every waking moment, finally managed to break the addiction about five years ago. (Stick around, current smokers, I’ll give up my “quitting” method in a few minutes.) ***** So here’s my big cigarette banning plan: Grandfather in current smokers who want to continue smoking. The government can dole out the smokes for the next few decades. Relax the silly laws concerning e-cigarettes (in short, let people “smoke” them anywhere they want). And that’s pretty much it.

Holes? I don’t see any. I’m not banning tobacco, not banning nicotine; just the kind you light on fire and then actively inhale into your lungs. Pipes, cigars, smokeless — none of them particularly good for you — escape my wrath. As for the e-cigarettes, the bans on them are, to use the parlance of our times, craycray. It’s water vapor and nicotine. No second-hand smoke worries, as there’s no smoke. (Of course, if it’s later found out e-cigarettes cause aliens to grow in your stomach, I’ll reconsider.)

In short: No more cigarettes. Simple and elegant, as far as laws go.

And no more 14-yearolds racing on their bikes to buy their first pack, which will directly lead to no more 37-yearold new fathers looking back and realizing that one stupid decision may end up costing him some extra decades with his children. ***** Of course, any naysayers out there can point to numerous other hazards to our health, from booze to red meat to just about anything else. Why not ban everything?

My argument to this is, again, simple: Most people who drink alcohol don’t become alcoholics. Most people who enjoy red meat aren’t gobbling it up twice an hour. But when it comes to cigarettes, outside of those “social smokers” — a breed as rare as unicorns — anyone who smokes cigarettes becomes addicted, and virtually all smokers start when they are children. ***** So any lawmakers want to float a bill? We could start by banning the sale of cigarettes right here in New Jersey. Anyone? Hello? ***** This is how I broke the habit: By realizing I’m always going to want a cigarette. My dad quit in 1966, and he says he still wants one now and again. (The smell of lamb chops on the grill does him in.) So that’s the biggest hurdle to get through, the knowledge that the desire to smoke will always lurk. Accepting this changed my thought process on the whole concept of “quitting.”

See, every time I would quit, I’d stumble at some point, have a cigarette, and just like that, I was a smoker again.

The last time I quit, I changed the game. In fact, I didn’t quit. I just decided to not smoke anymore. Subtle difference. But I promised I wouldn’t beat myself up if I had a cigarette now and again.

And that’s what I did. I got through the first three days smoke-free, and over the next few years I’d occasionally have one. Figure, average, two a month. Then one a month. And now today, I can’t remember the last time I had one.

Will I have another one, at some point? I’m sure I will. But it will be a blip, not a relapse. And that’s how I think of it. I’m telling you, it’s made all the difference in the world. Worth a shot for those of you battling this addiction.