Optimism?

I feel bad for Alex Trebek of the Jeopardy show when he announced that he has stage 4 pancreatic cancer like me but I was happy that now the disease would get more attention because a celebrity had it.

I don’t know how to explain this to you or anyone else but I’ll try. Despite my daily prayers, trips to the gym, chemotherapy, psychotherapy and optimism I have odd frightening worries about death.

I was just sitting with a group of people at my part time group facilitation job (like teaching) and out of nowhere a feeling of terror came over me. I imagined that they saw my picture in the obituaries and were saying in amazement, “He was just here a few weeks ago.”

I have felt this way intermittently since I was diagnosed with metastasized pancreatic cancer. It is a unique toxic wave that sweeps over me about my possible death in the near future. I thought of quitting my part time job completely because of these feelings but it is not the job, which I like and is well suited for my skills, it is me.

Certainly, I don’t know when I’m going to check out. Six months or six years. I have been preparing myself for this momentous event by praying and doing a lot of paper work so I don’t leave my wife with a burecratic mess. I am pricing crypts and coffins and leaving instructions on how to cancel my cell phone. Yes, it is an odd state for an optimist.

After work I was still in the wake of the wave. I went to see my friend Mike who has recently dealt with cancer. I don’t know exactly why I sought him out, but I guess I was just looking for something to interrupt my mood. He listened patiently and in the end said, “You have to be angry. Angry that you have the cancer and angry at the cancer itself so you can beat it.” Years ago I read that anger was a good survival tool for cancer patients.

I feel bad for Alex Trebek of the Jeopardy show when he announced that he has stage 4 pancreatic cancer like me but I was happy that now the disease would get more attention because a celebrity had it. Since his announcement the media has had a number of stories on this topic and some mentioned hopeful treatments for the future. Will I make it to the future or will I reside in that cheap coffin I picked out? My grandfather used to say, “Don’t put money into the ground.”

If I do “check out” I told my wife the plan. No wake/ viewing. Maybe a 4-7pm celebration of my life with family and friends. I’ll have a local deacon I know say some prayers then have my wife request that the audience share memories of me. It should be lively because of the variety of friends I have who play poker, racquetball, and ski, were in the military and are just a part of my childhood. I will be watching the event from the afterlife so comments better be positive. I remember grandma saying, “Don’t speak ill of the dead.” With me in heaven will be my dad, grandparents, some cousins, old friends and my cat Jupiter.

For those of you who may attend, yes, there will be food and music. Make sure you try the ziti and meatballs. I will have a CD with my favorite songs playing quietly in the background. The room for this activity will also have lots of tables with pictures of me with family and friends I have known during my life. I have a PET scan scheduled at the end of March. It will tell what the cancer has been doing since I started chemotherapy. Wish me luck and send prayers.