Single senior looks for alternatives to internet matching

DEAR AMY » Iam just coming out of an eight-year relationship with a man I met through an internet dating site.

Back then, all of my friends (and therapist) were aggressively urging me toward internet dating. I said I would try it for a month. Before the month was up, I met “Don.”

Although the “plus” of this experience was meeting Don, I felt the rest of it was awful.

I met a number of “single” men who were married. I met a number of “50 and 60” year olds who were actually in their 70s or 80s.

I found the majority of the men were weird and had issues — and all of them expected sex on the first or second date. I didn’t find it enjoyable in the least.

Now that I am single again, everyone is urging me once again to go back on the internet.

I cannot bring myself to go back on a dating site. And yet I do not want to be single for the rest of my life.

Amy, how do I handle my insistent friends? Am I the weird one by not embracing internet dating?

— Reluctant internet Dater DEAR RELUCTANT » Let’s review: You participated in an internet matching site. Before you’d even emerged from the standard introductory onemonth free trial, you had managed to meet “Don,” and embarked on an eight-year relationship with him.

Yes, you also interacted with many men who were not acceptable to you. But the internet’s unbeatable asset is in the great and wide database offered to people who are looking for a match. It also requires that you more or less embrace the process, even if you don’t particularly enjoy it.

There are many more matching sites available now than there were eight years ago, when you had your awful (but successful) experience. If you want to interact with the largest circle of people to see if there is a match for you, then online is the best way to do that.

If you can’t handle “insistent friends” with a simple “thanks, but no thanks,” then you are definitely not equipped to dive back into the internet matching pool, anyway.

If you continue to feel this way, you could ask each of your insistent friends to fix you up with someone in their “reallife” circle.

DEAR AMY » I’m an 18-year-old girl. I live at home.

My parents dictate, and have to know everything I do: where I go, who I’m with, why I’m going.

They will give me a curfew. If I’m one minute late because of traffic, they get upset and threaten to ground me.

They control my phone, too — who I call, text and email.

Amy, I’m 18. They have controlled my life for 18 years! I want more freedom and responsibilities. I want to be able to go out and if I want to make an extra stop, to do it without them on my back.

I know they love me, but I’m tired of being their little baby.

I’m the oldest out of eight kids and they always say I have to be an example. But I feel like a robot because I do everything they want.

I’m afraid that if I go against them they will kick me out and never let me see them or my siblings.

— Trapped Robot DEAR TRAPPED » Much of what you are feeling is basically the lament of the oldest child. Understand that your parents are learning how to be parents. It is easier to tightly control a child than to tolerate the anxiety of loosening the leash.

Your job is to respect their rules while you are in the house, and to make workable plans to leave home, as soon as possible. Many young people find freedom through attending college; if you aren’t college-bound, it’s time to find employment and start to push back.

Don’t let them control you through threats of punishments. In every futuristic movie, there’s a moment where the robots rebel. It might be time for your uprising.

DEAR AMY » My brother and his wife are divorcing.

My brother has been abusive and an alcoholic throughout the marriage.

I have always sided with my sister-in-law. I have cared for my niece and nephew over the years, as well.

Now my brother is committed to rehab and doing very well. I am now a support system to my brother because he is putting in the daily work to recover and to stay sober.

However, now my sister-in-law will not speak to me, and my niece and nephew will not answer my texts. On the rare occasions that they do, their answers sound coached and the manner in which they respond seems different than in the past.

I’m being prevented from seeing them, and I get the feeling that my sister-in-law is alienating them from us. My mom is also being blocked in the same manner.

Since custody has not been decided, she has all the control concerning when (and if) my brother gets to see the children.

What can I do? I love these children and I think she has turned them against our side of the family. — A Sad Aunt

DEAR AUNT » You describe your brother as an abusive alcoholic. You need to understand that, even in sobriety, he may pose something of a threat to his estranged wife and children. Or they perceive it that way.

Do not press too hard to see these children. They may believe that you will try to act as a go-between with their father, and if they don’t want to see him, they won’t want to see you.

If your brother and his ex are going through the legal process of divorcing, she may be trying to build a case against him. Don’t interfere, but continue to support your brother’s efforts to recover and change. Ultimately, this will be best for the children, and if you have to tolerate some distance for now until things settle down and legal matters are decided, you should be patient.

Do your best to stay in touch with the kids via text. Keep things light and conversational. Don’t promote their father’s interests, but answer any of the children’s questions truthfully (if they ask).

DEAR AMY » I’ve been dating my boyfriend for five years. His late wife died more than 10 years ago. He is a kind and gentle man. We love one another.

I have a concern about his children; a daughter, 18, and a son, 22.

They don’t like me. They never want to spend any time with “us,” as a couple.

They never acknowledge me, unless their father tells them to say hello.

When I come into the living room, they go to their bedrooms.

They acknowledge others, but exclude me. When his daughter graduated from high school, I was asked not to attend her graduation.

Recently, they had family from out of town visit. This included members of their mother’s family.

These guests were so kind! During the week’s events, the kids did not acknowledge me once, even though I tried to engage them in conversations.

I’m at a loss. I love this man and would like to grow old with him, but I don’t see how if his children don’t accept me.

I know many of your readers have walked this path. I need advice from those who have been there.

—M

DEAR M » Your guy is at the heart of this problem — and the solution. The way to build relationships is to spend time together. Including you in his daughter’s graduation celebration, for instance, should not have been left up to her. His tolerance of his kids’ rudeness is why it continues.

If you are in his life, then you should be in their lives. He will have to be openhearted and kind toward their partners, and they must be toward you. He needs to deal with whatever lingering loss they feel regarding their mother’s death, and then he must lead the way by establishing clear expectations about how they must behave toward you.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ amydickinson.com.