Self-centered acquaintance hasn’t changed, decades later

Dear Miss Manners: I am in my 50s and do not have anyone I can call a real friend. My closest friend of 37 years passed away a little over a year ago. Needless to say, I am heartbroken.

An acquaintance from my past recently reconnected with me through email. While she was a very fun travel buddy in our younger days, she was also a braggart, telling false stories to make herself sound better. She would tell anyone who would listen about her many sexual experiences, though I kept telling her that she was making herself look bad. I used to have a lot of people asking me, “Why in the world would you want to be around that girl and her horrible reputation?” But I always felt that there was a very sweet, misguided young woman underneath it all.

Through our many emails these days, I can tell that she is bragging again, about professional matters this time. When I email her, I reminisce fondly about the many trips we took together in our 20s. I ask friendly questions and tell her that I would love to see her again. Her responses, nine times out of 10, are only about her job. It’s almost like she just wants someone to speak at, not with. My questions go without an answer, even though I do not ask anything remotely prying. She just talks about her job, or how rotten her husband was the night before. (The next email will be about her job, and how sweet her husband was the night before.) At this point, I have given up on ever getting together. Our “relationship” is very much like the one we had in our 20s. What should I say to her? I do not want to be mean or rude, but I thought she was over herself.

Gentle reader: It is a pitiful truth that it is often far more lonely to be with someone who treats you poorly than to actually be alone. Miss Manners is afraid that such is the case here.

This person seems too wrapped up in her own world to be in a real friendship with you, and after 30 years, she has proven that nothing you do will shake her out of it. Miss Manners therefore suggests that you put your energy and time into some new activities or hobbies — for distraction, but also to help build new friendships. She will issue one warning, however: Do not get involved in your new friends’ marital problems. Friendship 101 decrees that one simply listen and support — and never weigh in about anyone’s rotten husband. Even if it is warranted.

Dear Miss Manners: My son is getting married, and my wife is greatly offended because his aunts on my side of the family (my four sisters and two sistersin-law) did not throw a wedding shower in his honor. They were invited to a bridal shower given by friends of the bride’s family, and a group of women at our church who know my son well also gave a shower for the bride.

My son and I feel that the groom’s family does not traditionally throw a shower, so we are not offended. My sisters do not know that my wife is upset. My wife feels that I am just taking my family’s side and not supporting her. Am I in the wrong? Should I be offended as well?

Gentle reader: If anyone should be offended, it should be Miss Manners, because etiquette is so often used, especially at weddings and funerals, as a weapon. Here, as usual, the alleged offense has nothing to do with the requirements of etiquette.

Relatives do not properly give showers (although they do so anyway), and showers are given for brides alone or with their bridegrooms — not for a bridegroom alone.

Why your wife is using this misinformation to spoil for a fight with your side of the family is something you might want to find out. Or just have your son ask her not to use him as ammunition.

Dear Miss Manners: Is it rude to straighten the kitchen and other areas of my home while my friends slowly prepare to take their leave at a late hour?

Gentle reader: Isn’t that your intention? Having decided that it would be too blatant to say, “That’s enough, I’m tired, please go home,” you suggest a more subtle way of conveying the message.

Miss Manners sympathizes. Even the most welcome of visits have an expiration time. But a gracious hostess does not act as if guests have already left. Instead, you should try standing up, saying how much you enjoyed their visit, and companionably walking them to the door.