Family is stressed out by mother-in-law's inaction

DEAR AMY >> My father-in-law died about five years ago. My in-laws were married for 45 years.

My mother-in-law is 80 and insists on living in her own house.

She expects us to help with her house. Anytime anything breaks, needs fixing or work needs to be done, she expects us to tend to the issue.

We both work full-time jobs and change shifts every six months.

We have our own home, 4 acres of property to maintain, three horses and three dogs to care for. It's not that we don't want to help. We just don't have time!

We've asked her to move in with us many times, but she refuses.

She is not independent. She has never learned to drive, so she has to rely on various friends or neighbors to take her shopping and/or to doctors' appointments.

Soon, we are moving out of state and she is coming with us.

For the past five years I've been telling her that she needs to start clearing out her house. We are now a few months from moving and she has done nothing.

We are busy trying to prepare for this move ourselves and between work, property maintenance, the animals, shopping, laundry and packing up our house, we have no time to spare to pack her stuff up as well.

I have told my husband that she will just have to stay put until she gets her place cleared out and then we can come back and get her.

I am at a loss!

— Frustrated in Texas

DEAR FRUSTRATED >> Your life is extremely stressful.

It's a shame that caring for your dogs and horses is preventing you from caring for an elderly human, but surely your own overwhelming burdens might give you some insight into what packing and moving might be like for an 80-year-old woman, whose capabilities have always been far less than yours.

Your ultimatum must seem reasonable as it escapes your lips, but it might ultimately be less stressful for you if you at least set up and supervise the sorting and packing process for your motherin-law. Otherwise, surely you do realize that you are setting her — and you — up for a far more stressful situation down the road.