Family loans morph into gifts
DEAR AMY: A year ago, my husband’s brother “Jimmy” asked us to “lend” him $ 1,000. My husband asked for my opinion. We found out this was to finance a trip to Las Vegas, and I was against it. My husband gave him the money anyway.
Years ago, my husband’s other brother, “Vinny,” was the recipient of many “loans” from my husband, which were never repaid. Vinny is an alcoholic, and my husband stopped giving him money ( as far as I know).
The thing that bothers me the most is when Jimmy “borrowed” the money a year ago, he said, “Don’t worry, this is not a ‘ Vinny loan,’” implying that he did intend to repay the money.
I would like to just let this go, but every time I’m in a “mood” it seems to stick in my craw— and I’m tempted to say something.
I asked my husband if Jimmy has said anything about the money he owes us. The answer was no.
I amaware that “loans” to family members are rarely repaid. I’m hoping you can reaffirm this and I will just be able to move on.
Stuck
DEAR STUCK: I like your husband’s choice to run these family payments past you, but not when he disregards your recommendation and do what he intended to do all along. If he is going to involve you, then he should be brave enough to give you a vote.
When there are no terms, conditions or consequences attached to loans, they are called “gifts.”
Take this episode as an opportunity to talk with your husband about how to run your family’s loan operation in the future. I like the idea of setting aside a maximum amount for family gifts/ loans and considering all requests together.
The trick for getting this $ 1,000 back — or stopping further requests— is pretty simple: The next time “Jimmy” comes to you for a loan, you say, “When you pay back our initial loan of $ 1,000, we’ll consider lending to you again.”
DEAR AMY: A few months ago, I started dating a woman. She is beautiful, educated and has a good job helping others. I had strong feelings for her but from the start, she did not follow through on things she said she would do. It started with little things, like promising to call and then not calling. After a few more episodes, I decided to tell her how it made me feel.
Rather than apologizing, she became defensive, making me feel even worse.
The real kicker came a few nights ago when she called to let me know that she wanted to spend the evening with me. She then called to say she was running late — five hours late — too late to spend more than an hour together.
I passed on the opportunity to see her and haven’t spoken to her since.
In addition to what I perceive to be insensitive and rude behavior, I discovered she’s been withholding information from me.
I’m on the verge of ending this relationship. I need a reality check.
Check, Please
DEAR CHECK: To quote Maya Angelou: “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Consider your reality checked. Send questions to askamy@ tribune. com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.