Dear annie
DEAR
ANNIE:
I have a family estrangement issue. It all started when a 44-yearold woman contacted my older brother on a DNA site. I immediately wrote her and acknowledged paternity and expressed a strong desire to establish a long-term relationship. She seems to be a very nice person.
She told me she wasn’t ready yet to meet me; over the next 2 1/2 years, we exchanged many emails, and we were talking seriously about meeting. She is married and has three children. Very recently, my younger brother’s adult daughter noticed the seeming connection on the internet. My brother told her the full story (all my siblings were aware of my efforts).
I told my brother that I would prefer to see her myself and fully involve everyone after that meeting. The niece disregarded my request and contacted my daughter anyway and went off to have lunch with her. The niece, on her own, wrote me later and said she was going to call all first cousins “because they have a right to know.” I emailed the niece and wrote a fairly harsh letter, asking her not to contact other members of the family because this matter was not only working toward fruition but also was a private and confidential matter not involving her presently.
She called up all five of the cousins anyway. All of them questioned her involvement. After that, the niece is unbelievably upset at me, as is my own brother for the way I wrote to her. He isn’t talking to me until I give a full apology directly to his daughter. We had a 90-minute phone call, which only raised temperatures since he feels his daughter was “helpful.”
My position is simple: This is my story to tell and no one else’s at this time, but eventually, I will explain what happened. I have two adult daughters to consider as well as to advise. My new daughter has agreed to have dinner with me — in two weeks. Have I handled this wrong? Is this my story to tell without outside parties deciding what I am supposed to do? Was I wrong in asking the niece to essentially mind her own business? Did the niece handle her end fairly and responsibly? — Confused
DEAR CONFUSED: You handled this difficult situation the way that you wanted to handle it, and your niece ignored your request and got involved on her own. The good news is that your new daughter will meet with you in two weeks. I understand your irritation with your niece, but I also understand your brother’s defense of his daughter.
You’ll be less confused after meeting your newly discovered daughter, and at that point, I would suggest telling your brother and his daughter the whole story. I agree it is none of their business, if you don’t mind being estranged from them. But I think you don’t want that, and an open conversation — without criticism or recriminations — will help heal family divisions.
“HOW CAN I FORGIVE MY CHEATING PARTNER?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http:// www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators.com.