Pathfinder continues her publishing journey
Guidebook for the widowed answers tough questions about grief
“After the loss of a spouse, we really feel adrift; we really lose the anchor in our life,” says Joanne Z. Moore, East Lyme resident and owner of Shoreline Physical Therapy.
She should know. Moore’s beloved husband Joe died almost seven years ago when she was 57.
In the ensuing years, Moore has made it her mission to help other widowed people by gathering resources on bereavement issues and sharing what she has learned on her own grief journey. She is the publisher and editor of a digital magazine, “Pathfinder: A Companion Guide for the Widow/er’s Journey” and recently published her first book: “After the Loss of a Spouse: What’s Next?”
Moore says she wrote the book because “grief is a topic bereaved people are uncomfortable talking about and other people are often uncomfortable listening to, so we’re kind of left alone to figure things out. We don’t have many role models.
“For every other stage of life there’s a book,” she points out. “How to get into college, how to raise your children. There’s very little about the actual grieving and less about re- building your life. The book is kind of for that day you wake up and realize there’s a spring in your step, the real you is starting to come back, and you don’t know what to do next.”
Moore’s book is a comprehensive guide to all aspects of grief, from the practical — getting one’s affairs in order, finance, setting goals, deciding where to live, being prepared for storms and power outages — to the personal: emotional and physical health, parenting, faith, friendships, travel, dating and even the benefits of pets.
“The book is a thorough look at every aspect of your life,” Moore says. “It asks the person to go a little more deeply into their grief — not just read the book, but a call to action. It asks people to analyze how they spend their time and their resources and when they document those things, then they can look at them objectively and determine how much of their time and money they’re spending on things that really bring them joy.”
Often in a marriage the partners each have their own roles, and Moore notes that it can be very daunting to suddenly have to take on all the responsibilities.
“Even though I’m a really independent person, because my husband had natural talents in certain areas, he did things like the computer, so I just didn’t bother to learn, and conversely, he never learned to cook,” she says. “If I had gone first, he would have had to learn that. It’s like you used to have two brains and now you have one and have to cram it all into that one brain. And when you think of how many aspects of life there are, from finance to family relationships, it can be overwhelming.
“And so what this book does is organize each of those categories so people can plan and organize in a way that makes them feel more in control,” she stresses. “I want to empower people to live intentionally.”
If she knew then what she knows now, Moore says when she was first widowed, “I would have been more gentle with myself and not accept
so much responsibility right from the start. I would realize that not everything was an emergency and I didn’t have to do it all at once. I would take more time to grieve and more time to discern what would bring me joy.”
The most important piece of advice Moore says she can give a widowed person is permission to be happy.
“There’s guilt, there’s loyalty, there’s what you think other people are going to think if they see you laughing,” she says. “I just think this stage of life is important just like every other stage of life and deserves respect. What value can you get out of this? How can you grow as a person? You now have the opportunity to do something you may not have been able to do before.”
When asked what is the most hopeful message she can offer someone after the loss of a spouse, Moore responds, “It’s that grief will always be an undercurrent, and that’s OK. It’s always going to be a part of you, but that doesn’t mean that’s everything. There are other parts of you, too. Just get to know yourself as a new person and embrace what possibilities lie ahead.”
“After the Loss of a Spouse: What’s Next?” (Act II Publications, 2015) by Joanne Z. Moore is $9.95, softcover.