MISS MANNERS Gently correct caretakers
Dear Miss Manners: My elderly mother is suffering from dementia. Our family wants tokeep her in her own home for as long as we can. This is made possible because we are all actively involved in her care. We also have the support of daily in-home help.
We are so grateful for this outside help: These workers are invariably kind and patient with Mom, which can be difficult, as she is stubborn and often cranky.
These outside helpers are also invariably professional – except that they all call my mother, to her face, “darling,” “sweetheart” or “dear.” It makes me furious. In her day, Mom was a union organizer who negotiated contracts for workers all over our state. To say the patronizing way they address her chafes at me is a real understatement.
I haven’t said anything to her caretakers – yet. Part of me worries I am overreacting to a show of affection, and another part of me is sitting here stewing because I just overheard her occupational therapist call her “sweetheart.” I want to scream, “She is not your sweetheart! She is a retired professional woman, and at the end of her life, she has earned your respect! Call her Mrs. Jones!”
Please either talk me off the ceiling or give me permission to speak to her caregivers.
Gentle Reader: Please come down from the ceiling. Snapping at people never helps, and you should especially not be attacking those whose service and dedication you value.
Nevertheless, Miss Manners sympathizes with your annoyance. And you needn’t cite your mother’s resume to justify her being addressed in the manner that she has always considered dignified. You need merely say that she is used to that form of address, and prefers it. You should slip this in with appreciation, on behalf of the family, for their care.
The correction won’t always hold, of course. The habit of expressing concern with those endearments is strong, and few people now understand the importance of dignity.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com or to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com.