DEAR PRUDENCE

WITH ADVICE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AT HOME, WORK & BEYOND

Dear Prudence: My sister has three kids: “Zach,” “Emma,” and “Lisa.” Zach and Emma both had kids in high school. My sister and her husband are basically raising their grandkids while Zach and Emma flit from failure to failure. Neither seems capable of finishing any kind of education or holding down a job or staying out of trouble. Emma is on probation again for shoplifting and Zach quit yet another job because he disliked his boss. I have told my sister more than once she isn’t helping Emma and Zach by coddling them. At least, they should be doing more with their own children instead of passing the babies off on her. My sister told me to stay in my lane.

The problem is Lisa. Lisa is a very bright, very adventurous young woman. She got accepted into an overseas program that offers dual credit for high school and college. Her parents told her there is no way they can afford for her to go — both because the family finances are tight and they depend on Lisa to babysit on weekends when they work overtime. I want to pay for Lisa to go. She deserves to go and it will be the experience of a lifetime.

If I do, it will cause a huge familial explosion. I am pretty sure my brother-in-law would accept the offer, but my sister will hit the roof. She would accuse me of trying to cause trouble and playing favorites with her kids. I never offered anything like this for Emma and Zach (mostly since neither one ever applied for anything like it). How do I have this conversation with my sister? The deadline for the program is in January.

— Tripping or Trip

Dear Tripping or Trip: It can be so hard to be an aunt! You love a child like your own but you ultimately don’t get to make any decisions for them. If what you want for them doesn’t align with what your siblings want, you’re out of luck.

So all you can do is make the offer — to both parents, not just your brother-in-law — as delicately and diplomatically as possible. Maybe you could even add, “If Emma or Zach ever have a similar opportunity I’ll do the same.” (Assuming you have the money or are certain Emma and Zach won’t get their lives together.) If your prediction comes true and your BIL accepts the money but your sister hits the roof, your absorbing that anger while Lisa (hopefully) packs her bag to head overseas will be incredibly selfless and loving. Which is exactly the kind of aunt you are.