CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: We’ve always been the parents who attend as many of our kids’ events as we can — a challenge with three in wildly different activities — but it’s fun. Youngest and last one at home has told us regularly we don’t have to come and indicates she wants more space. But when we do something without her, she gets mad. This weekend we’re only attending three of the six games of a two-day tournament and doing something else we enjoy instead, and she’s pouting. I’d actually rather spend the whole weekend watching her play, but thought she didn’t want that. Argh. — Can’t Win
Until she’s able to articulate what she wants, stick to making decisions for you that don’t require anything of her. Meaning, any time you lack clear kidly guidance, make your own plans based on what you want to do, and let her make hers. (I’m assuming a teenager here.) In this case, that would mean going to as many games as you want, because you want to. If she wants to interact with you there, great; if she doesn’t, then you go, rah rah, leave.
When she says you don’t “have to” come, say, “Thanks, that’s good to know. If you’d rather I didn’t, just say so — no hard feelings. Otherwise, I plan to go because I want to be there.” The, “because I want to,” relieves her of the burden of thinking for two. That’s a lot of pressure on a kid, especially once she’s old enough to grasp that her performance is your weekend plan. Yikes. (Something an 8-year-old barely considers, right?)
And if your presence is more than she wants to carry, then you’ve made it easier for her to say, “I’d actually rather you didn’t come,” or, “How ’bout half the games?”
Your permission to be excluded hands her those words.
This all may seem extremely literal. Exactly! That’s the point. She’s having trouble drawing clear boundaries — good for her, she’s trying — and that’s what adolescence is for. So do your part to uncomplicate her boundaries by drawing yours kindly and clearly. It both sets an example and hands her a paint-by-numbers for how to respond.
This is not a way to “win,” by the way — because she hasn’t figured this all out any more than you have, so you’ll both get stuff wrong. But being literal, transparent and (oh my goodness) brief plants you right where she can see you, no guesswork necessary, and frees her up to worry about other things.