Obedient daughter ponders status

Dear Amy: Growing up, my mother clearly dictated our relationship.

We were never best friends because she could not be level-headed and provide guidance. Instead, she was always a disciplinarian.

My mother approached me (I’m 34 years old) about why we don’t have a “best friends” relationship.

I was blunt. I told her that she was at fault for setting those boundaries and not providing a level-headed atmosphere at home. I said I was OK with our relationship because I know I could not change her.

My father says it has emotionally affected her to the point where she sees a counselor on a regular basis.

She has never accepted fault over any situation.

I told my father that I will not accept the blame (this time) and will not have the conversation.

I’m not sure if there is anything I can do. — Distant Daughter

Dear Distant: You talk a lot about “fault” and “blame.” If you and your mother want to develop an adult friendship, you are both going to have to learn to let go of some of your score-keeping.

Your mother is in therapy. She might be using her hurt feelings to try to manipulate you. But she also seems to be making a bid for connection.

Now it’s your turn to decide whether you will accept the bid. The conversation you two might have will start the way friendships do — through looking for commonalities instead of faults.

One opening bid from you might be to ask her about her therapy. Why is she there, what is she learning, what does she hope to accomplish?

Your friendship might be less “Gilmore Girls, and more “Housewives of Dysfunction Junction,” but the way to open up to the possibilities is to talk, listen and learn to disagree peacefully.