In-laws can frazzle the family dynamic

Dear Amy: I have been married to my husband for 17 years, but I have never felt accepted by his family. He is one of seven children.

They plan get-togethers and don’t remember to tell us until the last minute. When we are not available, they shame us for not making family a priority.

Recently I received a Facebook message from one of my husband’s brothers. He is a single man who works only six months of the year. He told me I have no right to be upset and that we should make time when we are invited.

As a family of four, between three jobs, school and activities, we are very challenged to find time when invited at the last minute.

This same brother told me he tries to avoid us. He finds me too competitive.

Is it inappropriate for one brother to insult his brother’s wife and daughter? How should I respond to my brother-in-law in a way that builds a family relationship? — Left Out and Hurt

Dear Left Out: Yes, it is inappropriate for your brotherin-law to insult you. So now that you know that he is inappropriate, how lucky you must feel that he promises to avoid you!

Families are complicated. Large families often have a herd mentality that is both wonderful and challenging — especially for in-laws.

When someone insults you, you can respond honestly by saying, “Well, I’m so sorry you feel that way, but I really don’t appreciate your insulting comments.” It is also appropriate to delete the message and not respond at all.

What I’m suggesting is a sort of detachment where you realize that you are not responsible for the way other people behave. See the good in these people when you can, enjoy the good bits and the individual friendships with your in-laws when you can have them.