San Diego Union-Tribune (Sunday)
Padres in October? Well, there’s Cabo
Sez Me … The Padres can be a hard, frustrating follow. Far too often, I feel as though I’m binge-watching C-SPAN with pink eye.
I can see them playing in the middle of Baseball October. But somewhere sunny. Relaxing. Cabo, maybe. Cancun. French Riviera. The Maldives. Maui. Maybe a fictional paradise — I wanna say, Bali Hai.
No major league ballparks in those destinations.
And that’s if they make the wild-card playoffs, so they could be bagging rays and catching some tasty waves earlier in the month. As of this moment, that if can be seen from Alpha Centauri.
I’ve read every Padres whodone-it-wrong since 1969, but this team is their greatest mystery. And, in their life, they have finished above .500 12 times — not once since 2010 (70 in COVID year).
For more than a half-century, they have been bad, semi-bad, OK, near-good, or good. Never great. The 2022 Pads have a poorly drawn map and have been all over it. Consider:
• The Pads couldn’t buy a hit with runners in scoring position at a penny arcade.
• They continuously strike out looking. Embarrassing.
• Their starting pitching (with the exception of Yu Darvish and occasional Blake Snell brilliance) has been spotty.
• Fernando Tatis Jr.’s misbehavior has cost them firepower and speed by getting caught with his hand in the apothecary jar and suspended 80 games after Evel Knievel-ing himself into a well-hidden broken wrist in the Dominican.
• Juan Soto was supposed to be the next Ted Williams. He got here and couldn’t hit with Ted if they played together at Hoover High. Josh Bell, same thing.
• After an awful start, maybe closer Josh Hader is coming around. The Brandon Drury acquisition has worked.
Given all this, being well above .500 at this point in September and in wild-card contention would seem improbable. But it is probable. A good chance remains, and I have a hunch they’re going to crawl into the playoffs anyway because they aren’t being chased by Man o’ War.
Anyway, it all came to a head Thursday evening in Arizona, where they regurgitated all over the field during their most embarrassing loss of the season. It prompted an angry Bob Melvin to say:
“Didn’t even look like we put up a fight.”
Those are damning words from a veteran manager, but at least he prompted a team chemistry meeting. The lab was blown up. If that ignited a Bunsen burner under them is a guess for a higher authority.
Who’s to blame, the manager? Melvin has been to more rodeos than Roy Rogers. As with any manager, he’s made mistakes. But he only can play the guys he has. Can he hit for them? Throw out somebody trying to steal a base? Make bad pitches to nobodies? Provide every batter with a good eye?
This team is constructed by General Manager A.J. Preller, who has had good intentions, while using enormous amounts of Peter Seidler’s money and turning over once-fertile farmland. His hedge fund isn’t paying off.
If this team doesn’t make the playoffs, Seidler has some serious decisions to make. He’s spent hundreds of millions on a vehicle that spends too much time in the shop.
One positive: If they do make the playoffs, they won’t have to face a rookie Arizona pitcher Sandy Koufax-ing them in his first big-time fling. …
The Padres are a knife and the Dodgers are a gunfight. …
Amazing thing about The NFL Team That Used To Be Here: Their greatest quarterbacks have been tough guys.
Justin Herbert is armored, his own irresistible force meeting his own irresistible object. …
Fortunately for the Judases, Herbert didn’t get a pain shot in his ribs. …
But I’m reading a cracked rib heals faster than cracked rib cartilage. Most carnivores have no problems with ribs in Kansas City. …
Memo to Gerald Everett: Next time, take a futbol dive. …
Never, Ever Hear: Mike Mccarthy says OC Kellen Moore has to be smarter in certain situations. Mike, you don’t have a say? …
Meanwhile, also in Dallas, Jerry “Rice” Jones says Ceedee Lamb has to make plays when doubled and covered. …
Nebraska fired expensive football coach Scott Frost .If interim Mickey Joseph gets the permanent job — which history deems impossible (read on) — he will be the first black head coach in Cornhuskers history. In any sport. …
Freshman Broncos coach
Nathanial Hackett, borrowing from the late Marty Schottenheimer: “I thought we had a great 4th-and-64 play.” …
Hackett swallowed an olive in his premiere and gagged. …
“Looking back,” Hindsight Hackett said a day later, “we should have gone for it.” You don’t think GM or Walmart owner changed his mind, do you? …
Since 1961, NFL kickers trying 64-yard-plus field goals are 2-41. …
It’s OK. I invented clock management. I’ve changed my mind. If I were a billionaire owner, I’d demand TWO assistants guiding head coaches on clock and replay management (because one may have been a former head coach). …
Brett Favre made $140 million playing football, endorsements not included. In case you’re interested. …
Chicago monsoon is a bad excuse for the Niners. Did the Bears play with umbrellas? …
Kyle Shanahan is 8-28 when
Jimmy Garoppolo isn’t his starting quarterback, 24-9 when he is. Quoting Rick Smith: “Just between you and me, there is a drop-off.” …
Mike Trout is invisible, man. When they hang his plaque in Cooperstown, it will feature a likeness of Claude Rains .…
Baseball is much more fun when you see an ump running his fingers through a pitcher’s hair, looking for a little dab of Brylcreem. …
Know why catchers frame pitches? Because umpires can be duped. …
Snapdragon Sun Haters: A whole lot of college stadiums don’t offer shade, including the Rose Bowl and L.A. Coliseum. …
Tom Brady’s inspiration: In 1965, 59-year-old Satchel Paige threw three shutout innings for the Kansas City A’s vs. the Red Sox. Again, I do not understand….
Craig Thompson is finished as commissioner of the Mountain West, the soft spot between a hard place, and you know, a rock. …
I’ve been with this company 51 years. That’s many paychecks, many dollars into Social Security. My money. Not the government’s. …
There are “people” holding and running for office in this country Al Capone would find unstable. …
Ham & Eggers: Our trash pickup isn’t free. Taxes. …
Earlier in this century, when Fredo Spanos wanted to build a new stadium and pay all costs for 60 acres of land, Councilwoman Donna Frye told me: “Mission Valley’s already too congested.” Been there lately? Still congesting. …
If Donna thought the Valley needed a decongestant, wait until 10,000 people move into the Midway District. Vicks will build kiosks. …
A Florida woman was arrested for calling two police precincts more than 12,000 times. The cutoff before incarceration for most stable states is five. …
There were 559 scripted TV shows in 2021. Congratulations to the 20,000 Emmy voters who took the time to see each and every one. …
Dear Twitterites: I hate your fantasy team. Don’t care. And I don’t need photos of your meals, either. …
There I was, fast asleep, and the FBI seized my pillow.
sezme.godfather@gmail.com Twitter: @sdutcanepa