No doubt unwanted guest at wedding will cause drama
DEAR MISS MANNERS » Some months ago, we invited my colleague X to our wedding. I have never been very close with X, but several others at my job are, so X got an invite. That was our first mistake.
Since that time,
X had an altercation on the job that resulted in termination. Being very vocal and dramatic, X is now taking legal action. No one at work, least of all myself, supported X's position. Now, several guests have expressed discomfort at attending my wedding if X will be present, and they are considering backing out.
It seems I have three options to avoid drama — at least at the wedding. 1. Uninvite X, though I see no way that etiquette provides for this; 2. Send X a polite missive allowing a graceful exit, with perhaps a veiled warning about topics to be avoided should X still decide to attend; and
3. Place X at a table distant from anyone from the workplace and hope for the best. Thoughts?
GENTLE READER » Option
3. And Miss Manners suggests the children's table, where X's drama and potential altercations will be met in kind.
DEAR MISS MANNERS » We were invited to a party personally over the phone, then we were told not to come by the same person (again over the phone).
Is this ever OK? No, nothing nefarious happened between these phone calls. GENTLE READER » Did something nefarious happen to the hosts? This would be the only polite reason for canceling on you: if they were unable to hold the party at all.
A second explanation might be a change in their requirements for admittance. New COVID-19 variants or safety recommendations might cause them to disinvite guests who do not meet the criteria. Either way, it should be clearly, politely and equitably communicated.
Do not, Miss Manners warns, confuse this with the rule about guests not needing an excuse for declining invitations in advance. Hosts are certainly required to give one for rescinding after the fact — and a good one, at that.
DEAR MISS MANNERS » When I host a dinner party and a guest presents me with a bottle of wine upon arrival, am I to assume this is a gift for later, or an offering for the dinner that evening?
Do I open it and present it as a beverage option along with the wine(s) I've selected for the meal, or do I set it to the side for a future use?
GENTLE READER » Time was, bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party was considered somewhat insulting, as if the guest could not count on the host to serve a decent wine.
For all Miss Manners knows, that may still motivate some guests, although the practice has become common to the point of being unexceptionable.
Nevertheless, it should be considered a present and not a contribution to the meal. It may not be a good choice with the food being served, for one thing. And typically, people bring one bottle which is fine for a present, but may not be enough to serve the number of guests.
So the answer is that you may serve it if you like, but are not obligated to do so in which case, add to your thanks that you will look forward to enjoying it later.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners. com.
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