He should ask if he’s the dad

DEAR NATALIE: My ex and I have been separated for 12 years. We were never married, but we were in a long-term relationship, and she was the only woman I was ever with. Recently, I saw photos of her on Facebook with her daughter, who looked to be around 12 years old. The daughter resembles me. Should I reach out to her and see if this is my child? My friends are telling me no, but if I have a daughter, I want to be a part of her life. What do you think? — POTENTIAL FATHER

DEAR POTENTIAL FATHER: This is a tricky situation, mostly because if you are the father, I would think that your ex would have reached out by now. I don’t know why you broke up, but if she didn’t feel comfortable asking or talking with you about this, there may be a reason on her end. However, it’s understandable that you want to know whether you have a child. There is only one way to find out. If you don’t have her contact information anymore, you can send her a private message on Facebook. You can either say something vague like, “I know it’s been a long time, but I would like to talk to you about something. Can I call you this week?” and see what she says. Or, you could also be more direct and say, “I just saw a photo of you and your daughter on Facebook. Is there any chance that she could be my child?” She may be taken aback by this, or even insulted by you asking. You have to be prepared for silence from her, as well as a response that you may not want to hear. But, at least you’ll know you tried to reach out to her rather than sitting around wondering, “What if?”

DEAR NATALIE: I’m a journalist who has done quite a bit of writing about suicide and the ways we, as a culture, try to make sense of it and give it meaning. … A boy I went to middle school with killed himself shortly after Kurt Cobain did the same, an event that greatly shaped my life, as a person and a writer. I am now working on a book that compiles much of my research and writing, including the more personal story about this boy. Although 20 years have passed, his family was kind enough to talk with me about the event and share their memories. But when I began to approach former classmates about it, they were largely unresponsive. I worry that my interest in writing about this particular boy’s death might come off as an act of sensationalism or defamation. Is there a way to communicate my intentions without scaring them away? Or is their reluctance less about me and more about the subject matter? I suppose, in the end, does their silence communicate as much as a response? — THAT GIRL

DEAR THAT GIRL: Suicide is not a subject we talk about in our society. … Take the silence of your peers as the answer you needed to hear. The fact that no one wants to speak on this topic with you should indicate to you that this is a subject worth exploring in a sensitive, thoughtful manner. Don’t let others’ fear prevent you from, or shame you about, wanting to tackle a difficult topic. Without communication, there is no healing. Talk with a grief counselor who has worked with families that have lost a loved one to suicide for deeper insight. There is also a great book, “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: Fourth Edition” by J. William Worden. You may find the chapter on suicide useful. Talk not just on suicide, but on the effects of grief and compounded grief. The book you’re writing may change the hearts of those afraid to speak up, and maybe even help save someone who is contemplating their own way out.

Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: Social media is a key to networking. Start with the big three for business marketing: Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn. Reach out to people that are doing interesting things of value and set up times to chat via phone or in person to make that connection real and vibrant.