EX-ETIQUETTE

QAlthough my parents divorced when I was very young and I lived mostly with my mom, I’ve always been very close to my dad. My mom remarried when I was 7, and I am also very close to my bonusdad. I’m getting married in three months and would like them both to walk me down the aisle, but my dad says, “Over his dead body!” I don’t know what to do. What’s good ex-etiquette?

AJust as the mother of the bride may dream of shopping for just the right dress with her daughter, dads also look forward to walking their daughter down the aisle. Rarely in that dream do moms and dads envision sharing that time with someone else, but often today it seems they do. (When my bonusdaughter went wedding-dress shopping, the entourage included the bride-to-be, her mother, me, her future mother-in-law, her bonus sister, her half-sister and her brother’s fiancee.)

Odds are if a mom and dad break up they’ll meet someone else at some point, and that someone will have an impact on their children. To issue an ultimatum forcing a child at any age to choose between a parent and a bonusparent is breaking every rule of good ex-etiquette — and that’s exactly what “Over my dead body!” asks a child to do. Ex-etiquette rule No. 1 is “Put the children first.” That rule is particularly important on her wedding day.

Ex-etiquette rule No. 7 suggests you “use empathy when problem solving,” so it may be understandable if Dad’s feelings are hurt when asked to share the limelight, but it’s also understandable if the bride feels torn under these circumstances. To eliminate the pressure, according to good ex-etiquette, the bride makes the ultimate decision about who walks her down the aisle — and her decision should be openly accepted by all parent figures.

For the record, I have seen all this handled a few different ways. First, after cultivating a close relationship over the years, the dad and bonusdad stand on each side of the bride as they all walk down the aisle together. If the bride wishes to publicly distinguish dad from bonusdad, dad stands at her left as she takes his arm.

A more common approach is for the bonusdad to walk the bride to where the father is sitting; he rises and walks her the rest of the way down the aisle, ultimately answering the question, “Who gives this bride in marriage?” My daughter opted to do it this way.

Of course, there are brides who ask grandfathers or uncles or special family friends to take on this honor. Perhaps the most nontraditional choice is when the bride asks her single mother to give her away — but then again, that is indicative of who raised her and would be the appropriate choice under the circumstances.

Finally, although your dad may not see it at first, your wishing to have Dad and Bonusdad walk you down the aisle is the ultimate parenting compliment. It means all the parent figures in your life put you first. They loved you enough to treat you with respect and allowed you to form your own loving, trusting relationships. Based on that, let’s hope Dad will come around. That’s truly good ex-etiquette.