Ex grieves and asks for her support
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been engaged to my amazing fiance for two months and he’s everything I ever dreamed of.
Last week I heard my ex-boyfriend’s mother had died by suicide. Since we were together for eight years, of course I knew his mother well. I texted immediately to ask what I could do. He’s asked me to be there for the viewing, funeral and wake, and I agreed. This would be an overnight trip. My ex invited me to stay at his place.
I declined that offer but I am planning to be there the night before for the viewing, stay over in a hotel, and then spend the whole day of the funeral and the wake with him. My fiance thinks this is too much and I should just go for the funeral and come immediately home.
I know my ex is a mess right now and I’d like to do this for him. Things were bad at the end but there are memories of good times and it hasn’t even been two years since we broke up. My fiance is mainly thinking of me, since my ex really did me wrong – stalled on marriage for years – and usually only thinks of himself. My fiance has heard all the stories.
I’m wondering if this is a case where he can see things more clearly than I can and I should listen to him. What do you think?
Anonymous: I am so sorry about your ex’s mom.
Your fiance may see things more clearly than you do right now – in fact, I think we can safely assume it – and he may prove to be right that this is an emotional trap for you. The foundation is there for sure: The short version of your ex’s story is that he was content to maintain his own comfort at your expense. An emotional two days are certainly enough to suck you back into familiar roles.
Your fiance said his piece, though. Now it’s time for him to let you decide for yourself – and if you go, to let you either fall into old traps or not.
It might seem to him that he’s protecting his own interests, or yours.
However, both of you will be better for your doing what you think you need to do, and then being able to walk away from it when it’s over. And, I can imagine, feeling so happy your fiance is the one you’re coming home to.
Is there such thing as a self-catching trust fall? This is one of those for you both.
Dear Carolyn: My husband’s under enormous stress at work, and I think it makes him snappish. In particular, I wish he’d be more positive with our (preteen) kids. If they don’t do their chores efficiently, then I wish he’d be appreciative and ask if they want tips, rather than telling them sharply they’re too slow. Any thoughts?
Spouse: Think bigger. Your husband needs help with managing his stress – counseling, better self-care, a different job – more than he needs parenting pointers. Please say kindly, firmly, with love, that it’s time for stress remediation because he’s snapping at the kids, and you know that’s not who he wants to be.
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