Life-saving fashion statement

Who was that masked man? Well, the reply used to be the Lone Ranger. Those were the days. Now the answer is everybody. In fact, it’s even gotten to the point that masks are conversation pieces.

This year at the Grammy Awards, the answer to the question, “Who are you wearing?” had nothing to do with a gown or a tuxedo. It was all about the mask and the answer was never Nike or Under Armour — it was Gucci or Dolce & Gabbana. And, just for the record, these designer models can cost up into the thousands if you desire to be seated at the “A” table at the after-party.

Despite the luxurious prices of some of them, masks are less a haute couture statement than they are a little thing I like to call life-saving. In fact, George Rutherford, a UCSF epidemiologist, says unequivocally that if 80% of us wore a mask when we’re out and about it would be more effective than a strict shutdown. So this is not a question of “if,” it’s a question of, “How

cool can I look when I’m wearing a rag on my face like a character from ‘The Mummy?’”

What do I look for in a 2020 chic face wrap?

Materials range from cotton to polyester to silk. Most are the behindthe-ear model, which are quite fetching until the necessity of eating is involved. The mask then must be draped from the ears like a hammock under the chin. This allows not only mouth access, but a catch-all for any excess crumbs, gravy or mashed potatoes. No need for a doggy bag — you’ve got tomorrow’s dinner virtually attached to your face.

In fact, back in the lab, I’m working on a mask/ feedbag that would be filled by a chef and presented and hung from your ears at the table. When you’re finished, you would simply stomp your hoof three times and ask for the dessert bag. Hey, it worked for Secretariat.

Some designers, like Kelsey Garner, want their masks to embody a youthful spirit. “To serve a utility similar to eyeglasses,” she says.

To that end, she’s created masks with butterflies, strawberries and a cow print just to capture that youthful zeal. I thought about buying one but decided that for me to get back that youthful spirit, my mask would have to have pimples and a peach fuzz mustache on it. There just weren’t any cows in my ‘hood.

And just to give you an idea of how mask usage has become topic A, Etsy, as far back as April, announced that people searched for masks at an average of nine times a second. Masks are trending. And I’m not just talking about your throwaway paper version. Not even the N95 respirators worn by health professionals. I mean they’re nice and all, but do they go with the entire ensemble?

One designer has taken the “mask as accessory” concept to the point that the outfit is the accessory to the mask. Seems like a pretty good deal. The masks only cost you about $25 — the outfit about $1,000 ($950 without the gloves).

Another designer, Collina Strada, uses dead stock materials from past collections to make her masks. Contrasting patterns with delicate bows. She calls it a “platform of self-expression.” You and I might call it “cleaning out the garage.”

Here’s the good part though. She donates five masks to health-care workers for every mask she sells. That’s a platform of self-expression.

Personally, I’m a gaiter guy. Makes me feel swashbuckling. Kind of a Billy the Kid image. In fact, I plan to be so hip, I’ve ordered a matching pair of pants.

Barry Tompkins is a longtime sports broadcaster who lives in Marin. Contact him at barrytompkins1@gmail. com.