ASKING ERIC

Dear Eric: We are a retired couple in our late 60s. In our younger days we enjoyed an active social life that often revolved around drinking, sometimes to excess. As we’ve grown older we’ve slowed down, improved our diet and taken up a neardaily fitness regimen that has us both in good shape.

My wife still drinks more than she should, as measured by my opinion and numerous articles I’ve read. We’ve discussed it a few times and she makes an improvement for a short term but soon backslides into aving four, five, sometimes six glasses of wine a night. I’ve eliminated alcohol.

I don’t nag her. I’m all for everyone making their own choices in life, but I know this regular drinking is not healthy. I used to buy the alcohol for us both (my cessation is fairly recent), and since I stopped she has purchased the wine on her own.

Yesterday, knowing I will do this week’s shopping soon, she put wine on the list. I am torn between telling her I won’t enable her drinking (while expressing my hope that she can reduce to a more reasonable level), and just keeping quiet.

WINDING DOWN

Dear Winding: When one partner changes, the whole system changes. But that change is often a lot slower and more complicated than we’d like it to be.

In your marriage right now, you and your wife aren’t aligned in a vision for how you want to live life together and individually.

She hasn’t made the same decision that you have about alcohol consumption, and it bothers you because you care about her but also because it’s different from the choice you made. Perhaps it even makes you question your decision.

Hundreds of similar decisions happen in a marriage. Conflict can arise from the fact that no one can make their spouse do what they think the spouse should do.

You don’t have to keep buying the wine, and shouldn’t if it’s causing you consternation. Tell her you have made this decision and your reasons for doing it. Don’t expect that your reasons are going to make her change. When we comment on a loved one’s drinking (or any behavior), it can shift the loved one’s thinking or highlight things they’re not seeing. However, decisions to change their behavior have to come from them.

Your wife isn’t there. If you feel her alcohol consumption is having a negative impact on your relationship, say that. I’m sure you’ve already presented her with the data. Show your concern and your love while also recognizing that this journey is new for both of you and it will take you different amounts of time to get to wherever you’re both going.

Dear Eric: I may be hopelessly old-fashioned at 73, but when my children were young and received a gift, I gave them notecards, stamps and addresses and explained the ways a “thank you” could be worded.

I encouraged them to include information about their lives, school, etc.

It seems that now parents don’t care enough to teach their children to acknowledge a gift. I’ve been chastised for discontinuing to send cards/gifts/money to young people past the age of 15, who never thank me or even acknowledge a gift.

I am frustrated that I am forced to contact the recipient simply to hear, “Oh yeah, I got it. Thanks.” Am I wrong for expecting a “thank you,” and setting consequences?

DISGRUNTLED GIVER

Dear Giver: Social mores may change but the words “thank you” still mean the same thing. You’re not asking a lot, and if your relatives can’t teach their kids to respect your boundary and acknowledge your gift, then you don’t owe it to them. Fifteen is old enough to learn the value of healthy communication and gratitude.