Time to skip a generation

Dear Amy: I have three children, ages 38, 41 and 52.

The two youngest have children under the age of 10.

Every year I give the children thousands of dollars. I give my oldest three times as much because she has been ill for several years, even though she refuses to see a traditional doctor.

None of them acknowledge my gifts. The middle child will thank me if I ask if the money has shown up in the children’s accounts.

This is complicated by a car accident when my eldest, while she was high on drugs, killed a woman and her baby.

She went to jail for four years. I visited her on weekends, taking away time from the other two. We had to move to another city due to death threats to our family.

The youngest two still don’t speak to her.

Now my oldest isn’t speaking to me because I “favor her siblings.”

I don’t expect gratitude, but an acknowledgment would be nice.

I have had years of therapy, but my kids refuse it.

Do I have any options, aside from stopping all my giving?

Worn-Out Mother

Dear Worn Out: Based on your brief description, your eldest’s fate wasn’t the result of an accident but a terrible crime that she committed.

Your family dynamic is still entwined with its longterm consequences.

You stalwartly stood by your daughter as she served out her sentence, but now she seems to be imposing her own sentence upon you.

Your generous support of her might be keeping her where she is (ill, angry, and dependent), and your other children are accepting your largesse without thanks as a way to punish you for that.

Someone who refuses to speak to you should not be rewarded with a check. You should only spend money directly toward this daughter’s rehab and therapy.

I also believe that you should redirect some of this generosity to a victim’s fund in memory of the two people whose deaths she caused.

Tell your other kids that you expect both gratitude and thanks for the money you give to them within a week, and if they don’t do that, you understand that they don’t want these funds.

Consider redirecting your giving away from them and into a trust for your grandchildren’s education.

Dear Amy: My live-in boyfriend is a low-level pot dealer. This has always bothered me, but he says now that pot is legal in our state, he is no longer breaking the law but running a business.

I hate that he does this. It brings losers into our home at odd hours and I have at times felt unsafe.

I guess I’d like a gut check. I value your point of view. What do you think?

Tired

Dear Tired: In my state, individuals can grow a small number of plants for their own use, but it is illegal to possess more than 3 ounces and to sell it outside of a legitimate, licensed business.

Research your local laws in order to understand (better than your boyfriend does) the extent to which he is breaking the law.

More important is the atmosphere this creates in your home, and how vulnerable you are to the stream of strangers entering it.

Ask yourself: Is this how you want to live? Is this the partner you want and deserve? He has made choices to serve his own needs. You have the right and responsibility to make choices for your own benefit.