Let him succeed his way

Dear Amy: I’m a parent to a fantastic adult son who is caring, intelligent, hardworking and financially comfortable.

He enjoys his work and is very good at it. Due to the nature of his job, he is able to work a fraction of the hours his peers work and uses his free time to his advantage.

I’m glad he figured this all out and isn’t being crushed by student loans. I am extremely proud of him.

The problem is my parents. Every opportunity they get, they bring up how he needs to get a degree, or go into a specific in-demand field he’s not interested in. The return on investment hardly seems worth it to my son. He has told them as much on several occasions.

They don’t seem to get it. They are “worried about him” and are critical of his lack of education. He has a substantial amount of money saved, and has time and resources to pursue his interests. If higher ed was an interest, he’d be pursuing it.

How can I get them to stop offering unsolicited career and education advice to my son?

I worry they will push him away if they keep alienating him with all of their good intentions.

Stuck in the Middle Dear Stuck: Here’s a radical suggestion: Stop caring what your parents think. They’ve expressed their lofty ideas for and to your son, repeatedly, and you’ve made a good case for him.

They don’t have to approve of his life choices. His life works for him.

When they voice their opinions, listen but avoid a discussion.

When they say, “We’re worried about him,” you reply, “That’s too bad.”

Them: “We think he could go much farther with a degree.” You: “Yes, I know you think that.”

They will alienate their grandson if they don’t stop weighing in. Why? Because it is both boring and dispiriting to hear, over and over again, that the fulfilling life you’ve chosen to live is simply not good enough.

I hope they figure this out before they irreparably damage the relationship.

Dear Amy: I finalized a divorce from an emotionally abusive husband in January.

I tried to reach out to a friend from high school during this time. She indicated that she was busy and was going through things too.

I understood, and stopped reaching out.

She recently has started texting, and has asked questions that I know are wellintentioned but hurt me.

I’m a working single mom now. My kids are with me except every other weekend. I’m responsible for twothirds of financial support.

She has asked if I’m still working full-time, and if I can hang out during the day or bring the kids to the pool for the afternoon.

I was a little hurt when she was not there for me during a hard time, and now I feel like I’m constantly saying that I cannot afford the time or money for the things that she wants to do.

How do I explain to my married stay-at-home mom friend that I’m not able to engage in that way?

Emotionally Underwater in Oklahoma

Dear Underwater: Your friend is trying to be helpful. Her offers are misguided, but she might not know that because, aside from turning down offers, you don’t seem to have told her.

See her in person on a weekend when you don’t have the kids. Your life has changed radically, and you will have to describe it to her.