Fly the flag of tolerance
Dear Amy: We’ve been living next door to a very good neighbor for almost 30 years. “Charles” is helpful and friendly, and we genuinely like him.
His political views are 180 degrees different than ours.
It hasn’t been an issue, as we have plenty of other things to discuss and we’ve kept our views to ourselves.
The problem is that he has hung a large f lag (replacing the worn-out original with a new, even bolder model) a few feet from our backyard fence. This flag has a message representing ideals that are abhorrent to us.
No profanity, just divisive and hurtful implications. I don’t think it’s an intentional attack on us.
We cannot avoid seeing and hearing it f lapping in the wind when we’re in our yard. It can’t be blocked from view. (No other neighbors see it.)
Visitors have commented: “What do you think of that flag?” “I could get rid of that for you — haha,” etc.
My husband and I don’t want to lose Charles’ friendship or ruin what has been a good relationship for years.
But this is very upsetting to me — a constant reminder of the ugly divisions in our country. I find myself avoiding my own yard (and feeling bad toward my neighbor).
What’s your advice? Torn
Dear Torn: I’m proceeding on the assumption that this f lag doesn’t contain words or a symbol that might incite violence but that it represents ideas or values in direct opposition to your own.
You don’t seem to have ever asked your neighbor if he could move the flag to another location in his yard, so it wasn’t flapping so distractingly close to your own.
We live in a country where everyone is free to let their freak flag fly, and where people like you and your neighbor can live cordially and peacefully side by side — each free to express themselves, or to stay quiet, if that is what you prefer to do.
Your options are to fly a f lag or banner of your own, to express your views directly or indirectly through a multitude of media, or to exercise your freedom to keep your thoughts to yourself.
You might feel differently if you reframe this. “Tolerance” is a challenge to tolerate others’ freedom of expression, even if you find their views abhorrent.
When friends ask what you think of the flag, you can say, “Every day when I see it, I’m forced to appreciate the First Amendment!”
Dear Amy: Recently there was an infidelity issue (mine) between my husband and me. We’re working on our marriage, and things appear to be getting better.
When it first happened, he turned to his friends, pretty upset, and had the majority of them block me.
His best friend doesn’t speak to me much, but I did let him know that I love him and his girlfriend and don’t want to lose them and hope they don’t hate me.
He responded that he isn’t making any judgment calls until he gives it time to see how my husband feels.
When it comes time for me to see them, do you have any advice to not feel uncomfortable or scared? I’m afraid they will hate me.
Nervous
Dear Nervous: Your husband’s best friend responded to you honestly and responsibly. You also handled that encounter well.
It’s important for both you and your husband to convey that you are repairing your relationship but that otherwise the inner workings of your marriage will remain private.