Share history with partner

Dear Amy: I am a recovering addict. I have been clean for over 20 years.

I was in a very mentally and physically abusive relationship with my first husband (the father of my children), and he has since died.

Finally, I met the love of my life, and when we first met, he made some judgmental comments about people who use drugs. Once I became aware of his attitude, I was afraid to say anything that might ruin our relationship.

I am very proud of myself that I beat the odds and I am now very successful and have a wonderful life with him. We have been together for five years.

I have told him about most of my life before him. I have never lied to him, but I have also never mentioned that part of my life.

I struggle with this because I want to be honest, and I want him to know everything about me. I feel like I’m being deceitful in a way, but I also feel like this should be left in the past. What are your thoughts?

Recovered

Dear Recovered: If you had truly left your addiction and recovery in the past, then you wouldn’t still be worrying about it.

But I don’t think you should leave this part of your own history in the past, because you will be in recovery for the rest of your life. This is a rich and important part of your complicated story, and your partner deserves to know this about you.

If you had disclosed your addiction earlier, you would have had the opportunity to open his eyes to the reality of addiction disorder, which many people see as a character flaw, when it is in fact an illness that requires a great deal of discipline (and occasionally medication and rehab support) to recover from.

As it is now, the love of your life may see your deceit by omission as a character flaw, but you cannot have a successful marriage as long as this weighs heavily on your mind.

Dear Amy: I recently found out that my fiancé has been tracking me via an app on my phone. This is an app that he would have had to go into my phone to set up and enable.

I haven’t done anything at all to inspire this behavior from him. He’s also never really had much of a longterm girlfriend.

Thinking back to different situations where he has oddly questioned some things, I realize that he has been tracking me for a while now.

We have been together for a year and a half. I am supposed to be preparing to move in with him a long distance away. This involves picking up my whole life and leaving where I live.

I feel violated, disappointed and angry all in one. How am I supposed to bring this up to him, and how do I move past this and we continue forward?

At a Loss

Dear Loss: I’m going to assume that you have absolutely verified that this has happened because when confronted, your guy will likely deny it.

If this man’s behavior isn’t a dealbreaker for you, then what is? You are feeling righteously angry, disappointed and violated by his choice.

The fact that you aren’t sure how to express your indignation about this should be another red flag for you. You need to unpack your bags and stay right where you are. You should move forward without him.