Daughter is heavy drinker
Dear Amy: My 31-year-old daughter stopped by for dinner the other night.
During the span of two hours, we ate dinner and she consumed an entire bottle of wine. I didn’t notice that the entire bottle was gone until she left and was driving home.
How do I approach this topic? She is an adult but continues to make bad choices when alcohol is involved.
I do not believe that she drinks every day, but when she does drink, she drinks to excess. Her boyfriend is also a heavy drinker. Concerned Mom
Dear Mom: So far, the worst (and potentially fatal) choice your daughter made was to consume an entire bottle of wine and then get into her car.
A drunk-driving accident would potentially be catastrophic for her (and other innocent people); a DUI or DWI would also be a highimpact experience — affecting her reputation, possibly her profession and also her independence.
The best way to approach this with her is also, in some ways, the hardest. This requires you to speak your own truth — directly, and sincerely, without attaching too firmly to the consequences.
Likely negative consequences here would be: She feels attacked, becomes defensive (or attacks back) and decides to keep her distance from you — basically turning this into a referendum on your relationship. This sort of acting out is to be expected. If you see it, see it for what it is: the throes and thrashings of someone who has been poked in a tender spot.
You love her, you are her mother and you are worried about her. So you say, “Honey, I’m very worried about your drinking.” If she challenges you for examples, you can certainly offer them.
This truth is something she will have to walk around in. You can hope that this causes a realization, along with the effort to change.
Meanwhile, for you, consider Al-Anon (al-anon. org).
Dear Amy: You respond to so many inquiries about relationships and potential conflicts that I imagine you find yourself wondering how your advice works out for people — so I thought I would update you.
I signed my question “Grateful Aunty.” I was concerned about how to greet my niece since she began a male-to-female transition.
Amy, your advice was spot on! First, to relax about it and then to remember that this would not be a “one and done” encounter and we would have many more opportunities to talk.
I greeted her just as I would any other niece or nephew whom I had not seen in a couple of years — with a big hug and lots of enthusiasm. We did a lot of catching up about life in general, not the “BIG CHANGE.”
The bigger point I want to make is that J. seems so much more at ease socially than before. That evening she was more expressive, engaged and outgoing than I had ever seen her before her transition.
This to me is the surest sign that she is finally becoming who she was meant to be. It gave me chills and made me appreciate more than ever how important it is to personally support loved ones on this journey, as well as advocate for them in a larger context .
Thank you! Grateful Aunty
Dear Aunty: It is generous of you to provide such a positive update.