What disaster preppers say we needed to do all along

Imagine for a moment that 1,000 domestic passenger planes crashed in a few months’ time and that the country was being jolted by a new wreck every few hours, day after day, for weeks.

That represents the massive loss of life — more than 125,000 people — that COVID-19 has inflicted on the country, said David Kessler, a Los Angelesbased author and grief expert.

But because so many of the virus’ victims have died in quarantine, and their funerals have been delayed or downsized, there have been few visuals to illustrate the loss. Without photos and stories of the dead to stir our emotions, the pandemic has yet to spur the prominent collective displays of remembrance that typically mark national tragedy.

There has been no day of mourning, like the one to commemorate victims of Hurricane Katrina. Nor much in the way of the candlelight vigils that often recognize those killed in mass shootings. Or memorial sites, piled with flowers and photos, such as those that emerged at ground zero in the wake of 9/11.

Though the United States’ pandemic casualties are now greater than those of World War I, the country has not acknowledged its millions of mourners with so much as a, “’So sorry for your loss,’?” Kessler said. Instead, “we’re all discussing trying to reopen: ‘Do you think we really need to wear a mask?’ ‘What about the bars, are they opening?’ ‘Can we go to the gym now?’?”

This lack of recognition can make working through a loss more difficult. Even before the pandemic, Kessler noticed a concerning correlation between people who were really struggling through their grief and those who had delayed holding a ritual.

“One of my biggest fears is that we are going to have this wave of people with complicated grief, because we’re a society now that’s allowing these grievers to be forgotten.”

The lack of collective mourning for COVID-19 victims is rooted in the way the pandemic has altered how we grieve.

Minnesota-based WashburnMcReavy, which provides funeral, cremation and cemetery services, has seen an uptick in business of about three additional death calls per day, said president Bill McReavy. It’s also changed its practices to keep staff and mourners safe.

But the mask-wearing, socialdistancing and sanitized guestbook pens now seen at services are minor compared to the statemandated attendance limits, he said.

Historically, funerals have been publicized in obituaries and open to the public. Canceling or delaying services, and limiting the number of people who can gather can hamper grievers’ ability to process their loss. “Grief shared is grief diminished,” said McReavy.

Strong social connections are one of the most important factors in cultivating emotional well-being. That is especially true after the death of a loved one, said psychologist Molly Ruggles, assistant clinical director at the Family≠Means Center for Grief & Loss in St. Paul.

Because grief is so isolating and social connections are such a major part of healing from a loss, having a public component to grieving rituals — gathering, reminiscing, bringing over food — is common across cultures.

“The purpose is really to remember and reflect and be able to be present with our emotional experiences around that loss in the presence of others, rather than in isolation,” Ruggles said.

As the country experiences the trauma of the pandemic, she said, a sense of unity — which seems to be lacking — could help manage the grief, shock and fear.

“Having a sense of feeling connected and being in it together can be really helpful in coping,” she said.