Bridge player needs tolerant partner
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have moved to a new part of the country. Trying to find a social outlet, I joined a bridge group.
When I first went in to play, I had a pretty good time — until late in the afternoon, when I was partnered with a woman who was very critical of my game. (I can’t fault her bridge judgment; I am not a terrific player at all.) She became harsher as time went on, and I never felt like going back, it was so unpleasant.
How could I have responded constructively to this? I was taken aback!
GENTLE READER: The time to declare your lack of expertise is when partner assignments are arranged. Better yet, speak to the group’s organizers about assigning bridge partners who play at a comparable level.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Good friends of ours have generously invited our family (my husband, our two kids and me) to spend a holiday weekend with them and another couple at their lakeside cottage, a 3.5-hour drive away. We have a max option of four nights’ stay.
My husband wants to spend the allotted time, but I am uncomfortable spending that many days away from home. I would be perfectly content with a two-nighter.
Do I, A. Suck it up and go on board with the family for the whole four nights, against my discomfort, or, B. Tell everyone (besides my husband, who knows the truth) that I have to stay behind a day or two because I have to work (which is not true), and drive up later to meet them?
I get homesick and feel “burned out” with lengthy stays — even though I love these friends.
I don’t like to lie, but I also feel that if I told the truth, I would come off as snobbish and/or cold. Is it OK to lie in this situation?
GENTLE READER: Lying is a big issue with Miss Manners’ Gentle Readers, many of whom are highly indignant when she recommends such pleasantries as “I had a lovely time” and “How nice to see you.” The virtue of kindness means nothing to them compared with that of expressing the literal truth about their negative feelings.
But that doesn’t have to be the choice. There is no dishonor, except perhaps in court, to withholding hurtful information. And it would be mean of you to tell generous hosts that you can stand only so much of their company, which is what your sentiment would convey.
Instead, say only, “I’m afraid that I can only stay for two days, but would you mind if Sean and the children stay two more? I know how much they would enjoy that.”
Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.