Parents, to help your kids, get a life
So, what are the attributes, the ingredients of a competent, quality parent? Some of these ideas might seem obvious. Others might surprise you.
Shooting to the top of my list is the single most important attribute of great parents: ENERGY! Think about it. It takes energy to pay attention. To be patient. It takes energy to be nonreactive; rather, active and proactive. Consistency takes energy. Follow up and follow-through require energy.
Tired parents are rarely quality parents.
I remember my kids’ mom sitting, resting, exhausted on the couch. There was a ruckus from upstairs. Bickering. She shouted out of the living room, around the corner, up the stairs, down a hallway and around another corner, “What’s going on up there!?” Then immediately turned to me with deadpan self-satire: “Now that was quality parenting.”
No. 2 on my list is empathy. You, Mom and Dad, possess a gross disproportion of power in relationship to your child. You are bigger. Stronger. Smarter. More experienced. More competence. More money.
I was reminded of my power recently when I asked my son why he waited four days to tell me about his runin with a teacher at school. His face blanched. Tears filled his eyes. He blurted out plaintively, “I was afraid you would be disappointed in me!”
Wow! My heart flooded with empathy. This little guy had spent an entire weekend roiling in the anticipation of my disappointment. What power the boy attributes to my disappointment! I moved quickly to soothe his anxiety about our relationship. I encouraged him, rather, to examine the equation of his own self-respect. That is, was he disappointed in himself?
Me, kiddo? I’ve got your back, even when you make mistakes.
Healthy people are cognizant of power and imbalances of power. Healthy parents convert
Less shaping, more meeting
parent-power to empathy. Unhealthy parents exploit imbalances of power, gleefully shaming, humiliating, belittling or hitting children in the name of dutiful child rearing.
Great parents are great teachers! There is perhaps nothing more fun for me as a father than watching my children celebrate competence. Really look at your child’s countenance when he/she masters some task or concept. From learning to tie a shoe to comprehending the Pythagorean theorem.
The other day in the car, my youngest and I were talking in anticipation of this summer’s fishing and camping expedition. “Let me show you what I remember about stringing my pole, casting and cleaning fish,” he said. And sure enough, he then recited, step by mastered step, all he had learned last summer.
Parents who are willing to teach children raise competent children who become competent adults. And it’s fun to be competent!
Turn down the praise (You’re the best!) and pride (I’m proud of you!) thing. Replace it with admiration and encouragement. “I’m proud of you” makes your child’s development about you. Admiration makes success about the child. Encouragement reinforces competence (“Of course you got an A! You earned it, kiddo! You studied your butt off!”)
Quality parents are accountable. Humbly and quickly accountable. “I’m sorry. … That was about me, not about you. … You did not deserve to be spoken to that way. … The way I treated you is not OK. … etc.”
I’ve worked hard never to ask my children for an interpersonal expectation I’m not myself willing to give. Accountability is one such reciprocity in our family.
Here’s a gift you can give your children: Get a life. A parent’s job is to promote (or, if need be, demand) differentiation and “leaving home.” Not to tacitly nurture the relationship to compensate your one-dimensional life. Not to soothe you through an unhappy marriage. And certainly not to redeem your own lost dreams.
Get a life. Be a whole self. Heal and grow your marriage. Find a passionate hobby or cause. A passionate life is a wonderful model for your children.
Lastly, spend less time and energy shaping your children, and more time and energy meeting your children. Yep. The same way you would get to know a stranger on the airplane or a new colleague at work.
To truly meet your children requires surrendering agenda. Try reciting this little ditty: “My child’s destiny is none of my business. It’s my child’s destiny; not mine. I can encourage him to find it, even in some ways equip him to find it. But I can’t find it for him. Because I don’t know what it is.” Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of “Human Matters:Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing” (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at 702-227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.