At the plate, Crane gets just what he paid for

Welcome back to the bottom, Jim Crane.

You own the fourthworst team in Major League Baseball. You’re dead last in the still-weak American League West. Your 17-28 ballclub is a staggering 10 games out of first place just past the season’s quarter mark, 11 below .500, and unable to hit a thing.

We’d give you a tombstone on May 23. But you get what you pay for. And the 2016 Astros have barely been worth a thing.

One hitter on the roster is batting above .254.

Six of Sunday’s position players were hitting below .244 after a 9-2 shellacking by the Rangers, who are a perfect 6-0 against a supposed World Series contender and keep coming and taking it from Houston’s local crew.

Considering the most disappointing team in the sport has scored five runs in its last 36 innings, it’s no wonder the Astros’

frazzled fans are wondering such crazy things as why Crane still hasn’t spent any real money on his club or when general manager Jeff Luhnow is going to construct an everyday lineup that backs the year-plus hype.

Want to get really crazy? Have fun with these sorry numbers.

Since the Astros shocked baseball last season with their 18-7 start, they’re a lopsided 85-97. That’s a 182-game run and a significantly more convincing sample size than their 2015 beginning.

The biggest issue for these Rockets-like Stros: serious problems with the stick.

Blaming pitching was the easy thing to do in early April. But as a backward year has unfolded, it hasn’t been the team’s arms that have dragged this ballclub down. It’s been the same problem the Astros have had ever since they started so hot last season then spent the next five months trying to hold ground.

The 2016 Stros can’t hit. And they don’t have the lineup to realistically try.

Way below average

Combined batting average at third base entering Sunday: a lifeless .176. Center field: .184. Catcher: .193. First base: a whopping .232.

I know BA is a little outdated in the new millennium. But if you can’t hit, you can’t hit. And a team that still refuses to spend cash like it plays in the fourth-largest city in the country — the Astros are about $145 million off the Dodgers’ MLB-leading pace — still hasn’t learned how to earn a living chopping wood.

Jake Marisnick’s a better overall option than MIA Carlos Gomez as is. But Marisnick’s sweet running outfield catches against the Rangers were erased by the fact he’s batting a measly .116 and has no business being written into a major league lineup right now.

The same can be said of most of the Astros’ “hitters,” who are pretty much the same guys who either swung big or missed hard throughout 2015.

Before Cole “Too Cool for Houston” Hamels erased 11 Stros and allowed one earned run in eight sharp frames Sunday, the losing club was second in MLB this month in batting strikeouts (194) and 27th in average (.227). Take away Jose Altuve (.328 BA, 58 hits, .995 OPS), and what does this team really have at the plate? Potential unfulfilled at the Nos. 2 and 3 spots in George Springer and Carlos Correa, who are batting below .255 with a combined 99 K’s in 347 at-bats.

That top-of-the-lineup trio is easily as good as it gets for these Astros, who have the same power-ornothing philosophy that’s been this club’s offensive trademark for years.

Prior to Sunday, the franchise was tied for sixth in MLB in home runs (26) this month while ranking second in walks (86) and ninth in RBIs (86). But when they fail to make contact — which is quite often since 2013 — they don’t do anything at all.

That’s how you drop three straight games Thursday-Saturday via 2-1 scores. That’s what happens when $15.8 million man Colby Rasmus is batting .238, Evan Gattis is hitting .244, and supercold rookie Tyler White is down to .230.

It would be even worse if Luis Valbuena (.197) and Gomez (.182) were being allowed to swing. But Crane knows you can scare away only so many paying customers at once.

These Astros aren’t slumping, either. The same trends seen for the majority of 2015 have been painfully evident this year. When they put up nine runs in Boston? That’s the real anomaly.

At its heart, this is still a cheap roster with little upfront investment. Calling up Tony Kemp and Colin Moran was fun for a few hours on Twitter. But both received phone calls ahead of the expected schedule and are only in The Show because the big league alternatives have been swinging at air.

Manager A.J. Hinch is a less-than-average 103-104 since becoming Bo Porter’s replacement. But this has nothing do with the man who moves the pieces around. This is on the actual parts themselves: roster construction, daily lineup, hoping cheapness pays off instead of blending the promise of youth with proven bats.

Some teams get it

Who gets it? Texas’ other baseball team, the Cubs, the Nationals, the Red Sox, the Giants, etc. Even the first-place Mariners paid big for Robinson Cano.

Who rarely has gotten it, outside of 18-7 in 2015? Crane’s Astros.

Shocked by 17-28, Houston? You shouldn’t be. What can you expect when everyone but Altuve is hitting .254 or below?