Don’t try to control parents’ relationship with ex
Q. Why would my ex-wife continue to have a relationship with her in-laws after four years of being divorced? I understand we have kids, but it’s beginning to be troublesome now that I’m in a serious relationship and thinking about getting married again. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. It sounds like intellectually you understand why she’s staying in contact — they are your children’s grandparents — but you don’t really like it because it cramps your style now that you have a serious relationship. But these relationships are not about you.
If we put the children first, then she’s supporting the children’s relationship with their grandparents — and the thing that many of us don’t like to admit? They continue to be your children’s grandparents even when we are not around. Therefore, when there is a special occasion or a milestone when the kids are scheduled to be with her, she probably invites them. That relationship was cultivated when you were together. Now that you are no longer together, you want to cultivate a similar relationship with your new partner.
The key here is to stop comparing and trying to control the situation. Your parents are big people and can make the choice themselves. If your new partner is feeling threatened, that’s a red flag. A relationship with you will not be like a first-time relationship. You have a past, and kids, and your life didn’t start when you met your new partner.
Let the relationships fall where they may. Just as your relationship is different with every child, your parents’ relationship is also different with every child they have.
For this reason, good ex-etiquette reinforces an inclusive approach. You will be married twice; your parents and your ex want to maintain a relationship. There’s no reason why your new partner and you can’t cultivate a loving, positive relationship with your parents and leave the past to them to maintain.