ASK AMY Older partner needs man-boy to grow up
Iama 35-year-oldwoman. I am eight years older than “Steve,” my boyfriend of 2 ½ years.
Steve and I seem like a great fit together except he owesme quite a bit of money and seems hesitant to payme back.
We decided to split our shared expenses, like food, travel and rent, and because I end upmanaging most of the details of our life, his bill is creeping higher and higher.
Whenhe has offered to keep track of expenses, he has fumbled the ball and lost track, so it becomesmy job again.
I don’t earn a lot of money, but Iamvery good at saving it.
I treat him to ameal out here and there, but I can’t really afford to pay for both of us all the time. Often if we are out, there will be an issue with his card, or he doesn’t have any cash, so it goes onto his “bill.”
I’ve told him a fewtimes Iwould like him to pay meback in amore timely manner.
He will reimburseme part of what he owesme, but then months go by before he paysme again.
I don’t think I’m doing him a favor if I pay for his life. Heworks and does have enough to pay for his expenses.
His parents arewealthy and pay for his phone bill, car insurance, online accounts, and manage his bank account for him.
I have been onmy own sincemy early 20s. I love him and need to find an effectiveway to address this issue. What can I do? I don’twant to be a nag
— SugarMama
DearAmy:
DearMama: If “Steve” wants to become a functioning adult, then you can try to inspire him to approach this important issue not as his loan officer, but as his partner.
At the very least, you two should commit to a weekly meeting to review your joint expenses and settle up. Youmight agree to the concept of “paying yourselves first,” by each contributing an equal amount toward your joint expenses and then drawing down that amount. You should also look at lifestyle choices and changes you canmake in order to afford your expenses.
I appreciate thework ofDave Ramsey (Dave ramsey.com), whose radio show, podcast and books feature a lot of good advice, aswell as inspiring stories of peoplewhohave busted their debt and changed entrenched habits. (Avail yourselves of theFREE resources on his commercial site.)
The real question is one of motivation. If Steve wants toremainanovergrown man-boywhois reliant on his parents and his girlfriend to pay his way, then you should take a hard look at the relationship.
DearAmy: I’ve been married tomy husband for 15 years. I love his family.
His brother has had some ups and downs in the past. He got married last spring. I couldn’t be happier for him and his newwife, but their choice of howto share news is in poor taste.
My husband and I found out about his engagement last year via text message. We also found out they were rescheduling their wedding via text.
Last monthwe found out theywere expecting their first child— once again via text.
I believemy brotherand-lawand his newwife could at least give us a call to share this news.
The rest ofmy husband’s family says, “That’s their style.” They say the message matters more than theway it is conveyed.
Tomeit feels disrespectful and flippant. I was raised to call family members with life-changing news, whether it be joyous or sorrowful.
I’m extremely frustrated and sad. This has created a rift. I’m at a loss.
— Luddite inNebraska
DearLuddite: Yes, it feels good to be contacted in a more “personal” way with big news, but these people are not obligated to behave the way youwere raised. I agree with your in-laws about this, and if you let your judgment about them create a rift in the family, then your own poor taste far outweighs theirs.
DearAmy:“Would Like Equality” was trying to figure out howto get his date to pay for her share of the bill.
Whenthewait staff first arrives at the table, he should— in hearing shot of his date— tell thewait staff theywant separate checks.
Thank you.
Absolutely.