The evolution of gender roles and social norms
Why some husbands are choosing to take their wives’ last names
In recent years, couples have been forgoing the traditional in their weddings, whether by skipping professional photographers, requesting unconventional dress codes or incorporating pets into the festivities. But some are challenging one of the most entrenched customs of all, opting to have the groom take the bride’s surname, eschewing a practice considered the norm across many cultures and continents.
There is no comprehensive data on how many newlyweds choose to go this route, said Laurie Scheuble, an emeritus professor of sociology at Penn State University who has studied marital naming conventions. But, she said, evolving cultural attitudes about masculinity and shifting views on what couples are “supposed” to look like point to a slow but steady change for heterosexual couples.
A growing number of men, in particular, have started to question the automatic assumption that their wives will take their names, and some have opted to take their wife’s name.
But, Scheuble said, men who do so might be seen as committing “a huge norm violation” by going against “centuries of socialization to keep their birth names.”
The wedding industry, in particular, can be “slow to evolve” when it comes to bucking traditions involving gender roles, said Emily
Forrest, director of communications at wedding-planning platform Zola. Still, she said, many more couples today are choosing to have conversations about these traditions, including name changing, than in the past.
“There was a real assumption that if a woman was marrying a man, she was going to take his name,” Forrest said. As gender roles and societal norms evolve, she said, “we’re going from zero to something that’s now visible and seen.”
Here are stories of some men who took their wives’ last names and the reactions they have faced.
Jason Kramer, 27, of Philadelphia
If it weren’t for his parents, Jason Kramer said, he probably would not have changed his name. But as they once told him, their decision to give him a hyphenated surname, Heitler-Klevans, was intended to encourage him to eventually consider alternate name options.
About a year before their 2020 wedding, he and his wife, Helen Kramer, discussed their choices, including the possibility of combining their last names. They decided that they would both take her name, in part because they liked the idea of passing it on to their future children.
“But if we hadn’t gotten that push from my parents to have to think about it, then she would’ve just taken my name and not thought about it,” said Jason Kramer, a paralegal.
The couple’s family and friends were largely complimentary, much to the surprise of the groom, who was expecting “some resistance,” he said.
Elías Hanno, 34, of Jersey City, N.J.
Elías Hanno and his wife, Emily, don’t consider themselves “unconventional” people, he said. When they decided that he would take her last name, in 2018, their reason was practical: Because her first name is very common, she wanted a distinctive last name, and both halves of his original one, Sánchez-Eppler, felt too commonplace.
“The opportunity to challenge expectations has been one of the nicest ancillary benefits that wasn’t really part of the decision-making process,” said Elias Hanno, a manager at Schmidt Futures, a philanthropic initiative.
The couple especially liked informing their youngest family members of the choice. “Our niece and nephew are growing up thinking that it’s totally normal for a man to take a woman’s name, and they’ll expect to have open conversations on what they want to do when they find a partner, which is really sweet and exciting,” he said.
But it hasn’t all been smooth going. Some relatives have expressed displeasure at not having their family name continue on, and Elias Hanno, who is Hispanic, said he had needed to be “a little more intentional about marking that identity in other ways.”
Josef Valentine, 43, of New York City
It took only two dates with his future wife, Taylor, for Josef to seal his fate. Josef Valentine, a Hard
Rock Hotel general manager, said he told her that he loved the sound of her name so much that if they ended up together, he would happily take it on. “She tells me that once I said that, she just knew I was the one,” he recalled with a laugh.
He also became close with her parents, and knowing they had no sons, he loved the idea of helping pass on their name. He also was ready to let go of his original surname, Grznar, a Czech name that was difficult for many people to pronounce and connected him to a father he had never met.
“My last name was always more of an annoyance to me because it had no sentimental or family value,” he said. His single mother, who raised him, had also never put “any of those patriarchal ideas” in his head growing up about women being expected to take their husbands’ names. For him, the decision “was a no-brainer,” he said.
“I have plenty of friends who would never, ever, ever do that, and would feel emasculated or would feel like they might be made fun of,” he said. “But I think it’s just about being secure and having the confidence to own it.”