EX-ETIQUETTE Putting kids first

Dear Dr. Blackstone: I left my marriage of 13 years because my wife and I finally admitted we were never in love with each other and it was time to part. We live in a very small town where everyone knows your business, I wanted to date, so I moved about 40 miles away in order to have a life. Originally, our parenting plan shared the kids time equally, but the distance makes the midweek visits difficult, so they stay with their mother during the week and I see them when I can. My ex makes it very difficult to arrange extra time. I think this is terrible for the kids.

Dear Reader: I had two thoughts as I read your email. One, divorce is terrible for kids. Two, if you were concerned for your children, why would you ever move 40 miles away from them? Sounds to me like you were distracted by your desire to get out there and you didn’t think it through. So, knowing this, what can you do now to help your kids cope with your choices?

First suggestion? Move! Dating is important, especially if you just left a loveless marriage, but certainly not more important that spending time with your children. Moving 40 miles away from them when they were reeling from your divorce was selfish and misguided. Apologize and put them first. If you are concerned about people knowing your business, date out of town. When you do move closer, my suggestion would then be to put together a logical parenting plan that will offer your children as much time as possible with both parents and then work together to implement it.

Finally, when you do meet someone and become serious, consider your children first when you introduce her. It’s not introducing the kids to her — it’s introducing her to your children.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation.” Email her at drjannblackstone@ gmail.com