Laugh Lines
Report from the U.K.
A man walked into a bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.
He said, “So are you two girls from Scotland?”
One of them said, “Wales, idiot!”
He said, “Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So are you two whales from Scotland?”
That’s the last thing he remembers.
Apartment living
My neighbor rang my doorbell at 3 a.m. yesterday. Can you believe it?
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
Finances
A couple were having a disagreement about family finances.
Finally, the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here.”
The wife said, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”
Company picnic
A wife is aggravated by her husband’s appetite at his company picnic.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?” she asked.
“Not a bit,” he said. “I just tell them I’m filling the plate for you.”
New technology
Amazon is reportedly releasing an update for anyone worried about Alexa listening to their conversations. It’s a male version called Alex that ignores everything you say.
Obviously
Two windmills are in a field. One asks, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other one says, “Well, I’m a big metal fan.”
Repeat
A man says his favorite text message to send his wife when he’s out drinking is this: I’ll be home in 5 minutes. If not, read this again.
Bar tab
A man walks into a bar, drinks a couple of beers and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
“But I already paid you. Don’t you remember?” says the customer.
“OK,” says the bartender, “if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, “OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did.”
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the …”
The man interrupts, “Don’t bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”
Worm jokes
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global worming.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
What did the woodworm say to the chair? It’s been nice gnawing you.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Why didn’t the two worms get on Noah’s Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
What is a worm’s favorite computer? A Macintosh.
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a glow worm sitting next to him. “Are you a glow worm?” asks the man, surprised. The worm says, “Yes.” The man says, “What are you doing at the movies?” The glow worm replies, “Well, I liked the book.”
Witty wordplay
From www.punoftheday.com:
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play that game.
Can’t seem to finish this woodworking project, but it’s not for lacquer trying.
I’ve been shopping for a trailer. Every time I think I’ve found a good one, there’s a hitch.
I don’t like my hands. I like to keep them at arm’s length.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Reporter humor
Two men meet on the beach.
One says, “Are you brown from the sun?”
The other says, “No, I’m Smith from The Times.”
Marital priorities
A wife told her husband that he put football before their marriage.
“That’s not true,” he said. “After all, this is our fourth season together.”
The blind date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.