Laugh Lines

Current events

I saw that WebMD is being sold for $2.8 billion. The owner said he was just getting tired — but WebMD says it could either be gout, polio, or scurvy. — Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, WebMD is being sold. No word on who bought it, but let’s just say the Republicans finally found a replacement for Obamacare. — Jimmy Fallon

Discovery Channel’s Shark Week made a huge deal about a race between Michael Phelps and a great white shark and they were talking it up all week. Well, people on Twitter were very disappointed that they used CGI and Phelps wasn’t actually racing alongside a great white shark. What do people expect? You can’t get a shark to have a race on command. It’s a shark. — James Corden

The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot. — Jimmy Fallon

I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believin’.’” — Jimmy Fallon

Today is National Cousins Day. And if you’re from West Virginia, happy anniversary! — Jimmy Fallon

Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a Potatorito, which is beef, cheese, potatoes and chipotle spice wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional value, just eat the dollar. — Seth Meyers

A Texas Lisa Denton coffee company is recalling one of its roasts after male customers reported a “Viagra-like effect.” Wives are calling it the worst part of waking up. — Seth Meyers

The Latin way

A Roman centurion walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

The bartender says, “Don’t you mean a martini?”

The centurion replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked.”

Hidden truths

Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but he misses the people he worked with?

He’s too polite to tell the whole truth.