Quotes of yore

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was. — Milton Berle

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales. — Milton Berle

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out and then count those you received. — Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t. — Milton Berle

The best stocking stuffer is a human leg. — Norm Macdonald

Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee deep in tinsel and wrapping paper, will utter these heartfelt words: “Is this all I got?” — Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer)

One good thing about Christmas shopping, it toughens you for the January sales. — Grace Kriley

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas, with a note on it saying, toys not included. — Bernard Manning

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. — Phyllis Diller

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark. — Dick Gregory

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. — W.C. Fields

Why is it that when snooty department stores put their Christmas Lisa Denton

decorations up just after the 4th of July it’s “elegant foresight,” but when I leave Christmas lights up until April, my neighbors think I’m just tacky? — Alisa Meadows

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. — Bart Simpson (The Simpsons)

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. — Henny Youngman

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. — Garrison Keillor

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ‘till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. — Dr. Seuss