Late Night Laughs: Keeping Up With the Candidates

› MSNBC had a countdown clock to the meeting [between Donald Trump and Paul Ryan] this morning where no cameras were allowed and after which we learned nothing. “Jim, can we put up my countdown clock of how much longer we all have to pretend this was news?” That was a long three seconds. — Stephen Colbert

› Former Republican hopeful John Kasich said today that “somebody” had called him to encourage him to run as a third- party candidate but declined to say who. Oh my God, John, the calls are coming from inside the house! — Seth Meyers

› I read that a new super PAC is actually trying to convince Amish people to vote for Donald Trump. And those people were like, “We’re not Amish — we just got rid of our TV’s so we could stop hearing about Donald Trump.” — Jimmy Fallon

› Donald Trump’s ex- girlfriend says her quotes in The New York Times exposé ... were twisted to sound negative, but that she didn’t have a negative experience with Trump. Then she said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go drive the new Porsche I can suddenly afford.” — Jimmy Fallon ›

In a recent interview, “Shark Tank” host Mark Cuban predicted that if Donald Trump is elected, it would be bad news for Wall Street. And in related news, Donald Trump just got endorsed by Bernie Sanders. — Jimmy Fallon

› Last night, Fox premiered its new reality dating show, “Coupled.” I watched it for 10 minutes and I thought, these two are not going to make it. Then I realized I was watching the Megyn Kelly- Donald Trump interview. — Jimmy Fallon

› Megyn Kelly interviewed Donald Trump last night. The important thing is that wounds have been healed, which is good. It was difficult to watch Donald and her fight. It’s hard to watch a fight between two people with such similar hairstyles. — Jimmy Kimmel

› Democrats are concerned that Sanders’ campaign could alienate enough voters to hand Donald Trump the election. Bernie said, “Listen, I’m 74 years old. I’m surrounded by college girls screaming my name. Don’t ruin this for me.” — Jimmy Kimmel

› Fox News host Megyn Kelly addressed rumors about Donald Trump’s hair in a new interview and said, “It’s not a wig and it’s not a comb- over, either.” So, what is it? It’s a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, inside an enigma. — Seth Meyers

› It’s being reported that an upcoming “X- Men” movie could feature a female wolverine, and if she loses in November, so will America. — Seth Meyers

› A new poll has 87 percent of Republicans supporting Trump. The other 13 percent are currently standing on bridges looking vacantly into the distance. — Stephen Colbert

› [Trump] is slowly unifying the Republican Party. All it took was no other options. — Stephen Colbert