Fantasy ‘House Hunters’ a homey fit

My favorite part of the TV program comes when the hosts show a room, we comment that it looks charming, but the couple touring the place say, ‘This will need updating.’

The television show “House Hunters” features prospects being shown a selection of houses and then deciding which one they’ll buy. My wife and I are big fans. We enjoy imagining what sort of home we could afford, if we didn’t live in one of the most expensive housing markets in the country.

For instance, they’ll show a house in, say, Youngstown, Ohio, for $75,000. Around here, that wouldn’t buy you a studio condo over the kitchen of a restaurant specializing in garlic and onions. But in Youngstown you get three bedrooms, two baths, a large airy yard, and they might throw in their furniture, too. Of course, then you have to live in Youngstown, but that’s beside the point.

(It’s also a cheap joke. I’ve never even visited Youngstown. It’s probably a swell place to live. If that city wants to give us a house, pretend I said Tulsa, Oklahoma.)

Anyway, prospective buyers tour the houses and make comments about what they like or don’t like. They always like the same things — an open floor plan, two sinks in the bathroom, hardwood floors, stainless steel appliances, an island in the kitchen, and lots of sunlight pouring through windows that offer great views. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with those things, but I tend to like the opposite.

For instance, I don’t want a living room where you can see the kitchen. I want my kitchen separated from the rest of the house, preferably with a door I can shut. That way, when I drop the turkey I just pulled out of the oven on Thanksgiving, nobody can hear me swearing, nor is anyone the wiser when I pick it up, dust it off, and serve it.

One sink in the bathroom is enough. We rarely use that room at the same time and we’re patient enough to wait two or three minutes for the sink to be unoccupied. My wife likes hardwood floors, but I would prefer shag carpeting of the type that hasn’t been seen since the 1970s. I also like my appliances to be white and I have no use for an island in the kitchen, because I never want anything there that impedes my ability to travel in a straight line toward the food. And windows are OK, but I only need sunlight in small doses. As for great views, I generally like to hang around in my underwear and not have to worry about what the neighbors will think.

My favorite part of the program comes when they show a room, we comment that it looks charming, but the couple touring the place say, “This will need updating.” Of course, they’re usually in their 20s and we’re in our 60s, so we need updating, too.

I take that back. We don’t need updating. We’re quaintly attractive. And as for my favorite part of the show, that would be when my wife and I agree on the best of the three offered houses — usually not the one chosen by the folks on the show, of course — and it proves that we were meant for each other, even if the only place we’ll ever be able to afford a house is Youngstown, Ohio.