Bad-mouthing ex to child often backfires
It seems every chance my ex gets, he’s telling my son what a terrible person I am. I had an affair and we broke up. It’s gotten to the point where my son refuses to see him, and of course my ex thinks I’m the one putting our son up to it. I swear I am not, and I don’t know how to get it through to his father that the bad-mouthing is hurting our son. How do I get him to stop?
Asking how to stop bad-mouthing is one of the most common questions I’m asked — and the reason I included “Don’t bad-mouth” as one of the 10 rules of good ex-etiquette for parents. When I have confronted parents about bad-mouthing, I’ve been told everything from, “It’s no big deal, they will forget,” to justifications for their behavior because they think their children should understand what a miserable louse their father (or mother) really is.
Children don’t forget when their parents bad-mouth each other and having the sense that your parent is a louse rarely helps a child grow up secure and at peace. Some children feel they have to protect the victim of the bad-mouthing and stop wanting to interact with the parent who bad-mouths. Others become alienated just as the bad-mouthing parent had hoped. Either way, it’s difficult to overcome the damage and unless the other parent is severely mentally ill, abusive or active in addiction, a child is rarely better off without him or her.
“Well,” I’ve heard hundreds of times, “Do you want me to lie to my child?”
No. But you certainly don’t have to volunteer all the graphic details. Nor do you have to refer to your ex in a derogatory way. I can’t count how many kids have told me that one parent has labeled their other “Whore” or “Cheater” on their phone ID. Each time the phone rings and the child sees it, he’s crushed a little more. Even though words are not said, that’s badmouthing and labeling it as bad exetiquette is an understatement.
How do you get your ex to stop? You can rarely “get” anyone to do anything, but I’ve found education is the only answer. I hope he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and when educated, stops. For example, you can initiate counseling for your son and the counselor can integrate dad into your son’s therapy. Dad can then hear firsthand what his bad-mouthing is doing — from the therapist and from your son, and you don’t even have to be present.
Finally, although affairs are morally questionable, I have not seen a court stop a child from seeing a parent because that parent has had an affair. I have seen a court refuse visits because one parent so severely bad-mouthed the other that it was determined to be emotional abuse. The main goal is to love your child more than you hate the ex. If you can’t do that, it’s not in the child’s best interest to visit until you can.