How to stop grandma from bashing children’s mother
Q: My mother is out of control. She is very upset that my ex left and says horrible things about her when the kids are around. Her last rant called their mother “a lying, cheating ho.” And I didn’t know what to do. I try to reel her in, but she doesn’t listen. I don’t want to stop her from seeing her grandkids, but she doesn’t realize that what she says about their mother, even if it’s true, hurts our children. What’s good ex-etiquette? A:
It’s understandable that parents have strong feelings about their children’s breakup — especially if the breakup was not their child’s idea and they witnessed their child’s hurt firsthand. However, if their anger is obvious, that will hurt their grandchildren far more than it will demonstrate allegiance to their child. Badmouthing a child’s parent is hurtful and often backfires.
Let’s admit it. Anger is a tough one to cover up. You may think no one knows how upset you are, but it comes out in your words and deeds. Even an observation like, “Your mommy just doesn’t seem to be as sad about this divorce as your daddy” can backfire. The kids will pull away because they love both mommy and daddy, and when grandma puts down their parent, it can be very confusing.
Young children are not developmentally able to figure it all out. Their reaction is to then check out. Don’t be surprised when you hear, “I don’t want to go.”
The greatest help a friend or extended family member can offer children in the midst of their parents’ breakup is to make sure their house feels safe, just in case the child needs a soft place to fall if the split erupts into chaos.
So, when calling attention to grandma’s actions, bring it back to your children. Thank her for her allegiance but explain that the badmouthing is not going to help them feel good about themselves.