Will his date think, ‘Oh, no, he still lives with his dad?’
DEAR CAROLYN: I am in my mid-30s and am professionally and financially squared away. I’m actively dating and looking for a relationship with the right woman and hopefully marriage one day.
Recently, my mother passed away after a long illness. My dad has no other family in his area, so I’m going to move him into a spare room in my house for a while. We may get him into a senior apartment sometime next year if we can find something he likes and can afford.
How do I approach this conversation with a woman, that my father lives with me? I don’t want to be slotted into the “Oh, no, he still lives with his parents” column. I figure this would be a dealbreaker for some women, but I have to do this. He’s my dad, he just lost the woman he was married to for over 40 years. I’m not going to leave him where he is with no support.
Most of the advice I’ve been reading relates to the opposite situation: living in my parents’ home for some reason.
I’m worrying about this because there’s a woman I just started dating who has potential for a long-term relationship, and I will eventually need to have this conversation with her. I want to be prepared. — I Swear My Dad Lives
With Me, Not the Other Way Around DEAR READER: “Warning, I have money and compassion, and I’m not afraid to use them.”
“Danger! I am principled, decisive and kind!”
“You should know, before we get too deep into this, there’s a grave risk that I’ll be as sensitive to your needs as I am to my grieving dad’s.”
Sorry, getting a little punchy here. But I find it hard to fathom how terrible a person would have to be to hear your story and conclude, “Loserrr.”
And that’s before we even get to the idea that living with parents is a universal sign of problems, which it is not. People have their reasons. And we the people have a housing shortage, so.
If this woman who caught your eye is judgmental about your housing arrangement, then you probably want to ask for your eye back. As always, what we see as our biggest liabilities make the best dating filters. A woman who is a good fit for you will respond well to the basic, un-spun truth of your situation
and a bad fit is someone you hope to scare off quickly.
Now, to be fair to the women who wouldn’t be 100% swept away by your story: Looking down the road a bit, some bride candidates may not thrill at the prospect of being a newlywed with your dad living in the spare room.
But that’s not only a different and distant issue from the one you’re asking about, but also one you’ll be able to tackle together if you choose your partner well. For this issue, just say your piece and see how well she receives it.
DEAR CAROLYN: I’m seven months postpartum, living in New York City. My partner and I don’t make enough for day care, and we both work two jobs. Our extended family does not live close by.
My hormones have changed, and I find myself needing help emotionally. I’m in therapy, but I would love for a friend or two to come to my house and sit with me. I’m not good at asking for help and don’t want my friends to feel like I’m using them, or that I only reach out when I need something. I don’t have a lot of energy to give, either. How do I ask for help?
— Overwhelmed Parent DEAR READER: As quickly as possible, that’s how.
You are either in or on the verge of crisis, which means you focus on getting what you (and your baby) need and worry about settling the accounts later.
If you’re stuck on how to phrase it, then keep in mind that saying our obstacles out loud can be a deceptively simple way for us to handle all the issues at once.
For you, in this case, that would mean choosing the friend or friends you crave most and telling them this: “I need help emotionally right now. I would love for you to come to my house and sit with me. I’m not good at asking for help and don’t want you to feel like I’m using you, or that I only reach out when I need something. I don’t have a lot of energy to give, either.”
I am a sample size of one, but I can’t imagine turning down a friend who said this to me unless I physically couldn’t get there. True friends won’t mind the imbalance because true friendships aren’t quid pro quo. Plus, friends will trust you’re good for it — or be glad for the chance to return some kindness of yours.
You mentioned therapy, but not your obstetrician — if you haven’t told your doctor how you’re feeling, then please do. Also ASAP.
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