Why won’t wife just humor her condescending in-laws?

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I’m really frustrated with my wife and maybe need a reality check.

My parents are so easy to be around if you know how to handle them. My dad loves to give advice about people’s work. He thinks he’s a Warren Buffett type who knows all the ins and outs. My wife’s job is far removed from what my dad does, so none of his advice applies, but all she has to do is humor him.

Recently, she was giving a presentation to the VP, and my dad found out about it and gave her advice that was a little old-fashioned about what to wear and how to behave. All she had to do to make him happy was pretend she took it and it worked, but instead she told him why his advice wouldn’t work, and they ended up arguing and my dad walked away hurt.

With my mom, it’s the same, but for cooking and household stuff. She doesn’t believe food can be good if you make it ahead, so she always asks. All my wife has to say is the food was made fresh that day, and my mom would be so happy.

Is there any way to convince my wife to humor my parents, or am I going to have to live with this constant bickering? Spouse

Spouse: Sounds like the real problem is parents who expect applause for their relentless condescension.

You’ve made peace with them, great. I am all for workable solutions.

But your workable solution is not workable for your wife. OK? OK.

So move on. Ask her if she’s willing to discuss other bicker-prevention strategies, because it’s driving you nuts. Get off to a healthy start by apologizing for your relentless “all you have to do” campaign, which sounds suspiciously like the nextgen version of your parents’ relentless know-it-all-isms.

Humoring people is just fine if that’s what you want to do – but it’s miserable if it doesn’t sit right, and dishonest. And it’s downright infuriating if refusing to suck up to intrusive people is identified as the real problem, not the people who refuse to stop intruding.

But don’t feel too bad, since you married it, too – there’s no bickering without her voluntary entry in the “I know more than you do!!” Olympics. You’re all overdue to try some of the many other ways to disengage politely.

She’s had the option all along, as yet unexercised, to say gently but firmly that she won’t talk with them about X. “I leave my work at work – thanks for understanding,” then gliding away from the subject. Or, “Nope, not discussing my kitchen secrets,” then gliding away from the subject. Or, “Thanks,” smile, disengagement.

And you have the option of saying, “Asked and answered, Mom/Pop,” as you take the radical step of prioritizing your wife’s happiness this time.

Readers’ thought:

A good friend’s mother was very controlling. She needed to tell people what to do, always in long-winded, onesided conversations that were hostage situations. These parents sound controlling, and you, in turn, are trying to control how your wife behaves. Please see what other ways you do this.