PIERCE DORGAN
My exclusive 5-star heartbreak over controversial celeb’s demise
FOR ONE brief moment back in 1994, the world stood still. Every single person on the planet stopped what they were doing and watched breathlessly as a news story unfolded live from the Los Angeles Freeway. Helicopter footage showed a white Ford Bronco containing superstar sportsman and actor OJ Simpson being chased by California cops following the discovery of the butchered bodies of his estranged wife and her lover on the doorstep of their exclusive Tinseltown condo.
I remember the moment better than most, as I was sat on my £55,000 Philipp Plein Icon Limited Edition sofa when the newsflash burst onto my screen. The television I was watching was a Samsung 98” QN990C Neo QLED 8K UHDR Smart TV, which had cost me the thick end of 35 grand in Harrods. I had bought that model (for cash, naturally) on the recommendation of my very good friends Elizabeth Taylor, Ray ‘Butch’ Wilkins, Roald Dahl, Anthony Worral Thompson, Burt Kwouk, Eddie Large and Stirling Moss. (Incidentally, the eagle-eyed among my readers may note that this model of television wasn’t available three decades ago, but it certainly was for me.)
(If you must know, when I went into the Harrods TV department, the manager ushered me into an exclusive side room and showed me the giant set which they told me was only available to me and not to ordinary members of the public. The manager also explained that the UHDR signals were likewise only available to me and not to ordinary members of the public.)
As I sat in expensive comfort and watched the incredible panoramic scenes from 5,000 miles away in pinsharp UHD resolution on my giant flatscreen, my phone rang. Needless to say, it was a solid platinum iPhone 15 Pro 256GB, which you also couldn’t get in those days unless you were very good pals with Apple founder Steve Jobs, which needless to say I was. And not only him; I was also at the time very good friends with Al Jarreau, Jeremy Beadle, Clint Eastwood,
Percy Thrower, Jan Leeming, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, her out of Vera and Todd Carty. Also, the ringtone on it had been specially written for me by my close confidantes Andrew Lloyd Webber, Paul McCartney, Dolly Parton and Smokey Robinson.
Even though the tune was only a few seconds long and consisted of just three notes, it was specially recorded for me by James Galway on his solid gold flute, with my close friends the London Symphony Orchestra and the BeeGees on backing vocals, and Cozy Powell, Romeo Challenger and Dame Evelyn Glennie on drums. With Herb Alpert, Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen, Dizzy Gillespie and Roy Castle on trumpet.
And it was that very exclusive ringtone that suddenly rang out a few days ago, alerting me to a flurry of text messages coming in from a selection of my closest showbiz acquaintances, including (but not limited to) Steve ’Silk’ Hurley, Ken Barlow, Monty Don, Richard Branson, Bobby Crush, Fatima Whitbread, the Spice Girls, Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, Shirley Bassey, Alain de Botton, Pan’s People and Jack Black. I pressed the button down the bottom and they all said OJ Simpson had snuffed it.