Em@il JURY
“What’s the difference between outlaws and inlaws? Outlaws are wanted.”
Allan Bryce
“The man who invented velcro has died. RIP.”
Lionel Fardy
“It’s not the winning or the losing. It’s knowing where to lay the blame.”
Ronald James
“How do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a steep hill!” Jacqui Gauld
“I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.”
Ciaran Mackie
“What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.”
Hamilton Maclean
“If you have a long face at my funeral I’m never going to speak to you again!”
Gary Hopton
“Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. Why was the sand wet? Because the seaweed!”
Joan Fordyce
“I once read my insurance terms and conditions. It said ‘if your tent is stolen you won’t be covered’”
James Thompson
“What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s mind as it approaches your car at 70mph? Its butt!”
Ian Fraser
“It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.” Frank Gourlay “They say that money talks, but all mine says is, ‘Goodbye’.”
Brian Leslie
“My therapist says I’m preoccupied with revenge. We’ll just see about that.” Margaret Wilson
“I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I have a nap when cakes are in the oven.”
Judy James
“I told my wife she draws her eyebrows on a bit too high. She seemed surprised.”
John Wilson
“I hate my vacuum cleaner. All it ever does is gather dust.”
Henry Shepherd
“Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
Harry Taylor
“A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.”
Deborah Scott
“Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”
Jackie Paterson
“A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and hey presto! He disappeared without a tres…”
Isla Duncan