Barney’s Baby Blues
All Barney wanted was some peace and quiet. His son, however, had other plans
On the screen of his laptop, Barney scrutinised the ad he’d just written. “Baby, six months old – free to a good home. Blue eyes, chin dimple and maniacal laugh. available to pick up immediately.”
It was accurate. Maybe too accurate.
He changed “maniacal laugh” to “mischievous laugh” and altered the headline to read, “Adorable baby for collection”.
His eyes flicked to Theo, who was (at least temporarily) absorbed with his dinosaur toy.
Theo really was adorable. He had pink chubby cheeks and a few wisps of golden hair.
Barney’s former boss at the advertising agency said he was a pro at crafting the perfect sales pitch.
He used to write tag lines for fast cars, electronics and luxury holidays to Dubai.
Now the only outlet for his talents was getting rid of things on second-hand websites.
It started as a way to clear out the stuff Theo had outgrown, then he’d moved on to listing everything that was mouldering in the garage.
Checking those websites was a nice distraction when Theo was screaming the house down. Which was all the time.
Unfortunately, Barney was running out of things to get rid of. there was still one thing he was desperate to offload, though.
As if on cue, theo threw his stegosaurus across the room and let out a blood-curdling shriek.
Barney pushed his laptop aside and reached for him. “Shush. Daddy’s here.”
Far from being comforted by his touch, theo thrashed in his arms, one flailing leg hitting him in the stomach.
Over the next two hours, theo wailed and writhed. Barney tried feeding him and burping him.
He tried out the first 10 minutes of a stand-up set about stay-at-home dads he’d been working on. Nothing would quieten Theo.
Finally, Barney reached for the phone.
“Do you want a baby?” he said into the phone. “quite a cutie when he’s not trying to murder my eardrums.”
“You’re funny,” his mum said. “I’m serious.” Barney had to raise his voice to be heard above Theo’s yelling.
She laughed.
“Bad day?”
“The worst. Could you take him for a couple of hours?”
“I’m afraid I can’t. I have a coach trip to the V&A.”
Barney hung his head. a trip to the hushed corridors of a museum sounded heavenly.
Theo squirmed in his arms, sending a punch to his kidney. “Tomorrow?” he said.
“It’s my day to volunteer at the community garden.”
“Right.” He forced a cheery note into his voice. “never mind.” “See you on Friday, love.” Friday. In his sane, logical, objective moments, Barney appreciated that his mum looked after Theo on Fridays.
In his sleep-deprived, manic, baby-hating moments, Friday seemed torturously far away.
He said goodbye and ended the call as a new message flashed up from his wife, Rebecca.
Fancy a Chinese tonight? I’ll pick up something on the way home.
A little of the tension in his muscles eased as he imagined Rebecca’s smile, her bobbed blonde hair and crinkled nose. Great, he texted back. A Chinese. that was the best thing he’d heard all day.
His stomach rumbled. If Rebecca would be home around five, that meant . . .
Theo grabbed Barney’s phone out of his hand and threw it to the floor with the force of a rugby player.
Barney’s whole body sagged. It was only 11.30.
Six months ago, in that first delirious moment when the nurse had handed Barney the baby, he couldn’t have imagined feeling anything except joy to be in Theo’s presence.
The baby was miraculous. He wasn’t much bigger than a football and yet he seemed to fill the entire room.
Barney’s heart swelled. He’d do anything for little Theo. He’d be the dad he’d never had himself.
Of course, everyone had an opinion about the fact that Barney would be taking the lion’s share of the parental leave while Rebecca went back to her job as a lawyer.
“Such a new man,” one of his work buddies said, raising an eyebrow.
“Wish I could take a year off work,” one of his friends from the Frisbee league said.
“You do realise it’s going to be quite hard?” his mum said, furrowing her brow.
Quite hard? It was impossible. He couldn’t remember what a good night’s sleep felt like.
Everything he owned smelled like sick or poo or both. His own thoughts had been replaced by the Peppa Pig music on permanent loop.
He wasn’t even sure he was joking when he scripted ads to give away his baby.
Maybe Theo would be better off with someone else. Barney must be doing something wrong. Otherwise why did Theo cry incessantly?
When Ethan’s front door opened, Barney had to shout to be heard over the racket.
“I brought you wine!”
Ethan’s eyebrows crept up his forehead. His gaze flicked between Barney and the car parked at a diagonal across his driveway.
The driver’s door was flung open and Theo’s wailing from the car seat sounded like an alarm.
Barney realised he was holding the wine bottle like a war hammer and thrust it at his brother. “Er, thanks,” Ethan said. Freshly shaven and dressed in chinos and a cable-knit jumper, Ethan looked like the suave, off-duty pilot he was.
Barney made a surreptitious effort to brush a patch of dried vomit off his own sweatshirt.
“Fancy some quality time with your favourite nephew?”
Ethan passed a hand over his unlined, well-rested face.
“I just flew back from the States yesterday. It’s been such a long week.”
“One hour. you’ll love it!”
Barney sat in a traffic jam. a red Audi honked behind him and the man in the Toyota next to him was gesticulating angrily at the queue of cars.
Barney began whistling a jaunty tune.
How great was this? He was blissfully alone. He’d never been happier.
He and his younger brother had very different personalities. Ethan was a jet-setting bachelor; Barney was a homebird with dreams of writing the next great comic novel.
They looked alike, however.
Tall and broad-shouldered, with close-cropped dark hair and sleepy brown eyes.
With any luck, theo wouldn’t notice the difference.
From the passenger seat, Barney’s phone beeped. He glanced at the message.
It was from Ethan.
Can’t figure out how to work these nappies.you need to come back now!
Barney’s heart dropped. He mashed his fist against the car horn.the tune he’d been humming skidded through his mind.
The Peppa Pig theme tune.
Barney mentally scrubbed Ethan off the list of potential new fathers for Theo. Honestly, his brother was useless.
He’d returned to Ethan’s house to find Theo’s nappy on backwards and a smear of baby food in Theo’s hair.
“Sorry,” Ethan said, holding the baby like he was a bomb.
Theo was in his pushchair and Barney was pushing him in a loop around his cul-de-sac in a desperate attempt to get him off to sleep.
It wasn’t working. theo was spluttering out plaintive cries and Barney was inclined to start weeping along with him.
“What a sad little chap!” Divya, his neighbour, called out.
Barney thought she was talking about him until she hopped over her garden wall and bent down to ruffle Theo’s hair.
There was a streak of soil across Divya’s cheek and her long hair was on top of her head in a bun. She wore gardening gloves.
Her flock of children swarmed around them, chirping out greetings.
At the sight of three small children, two girls and a boy, the baby fell silent.
The oldest girl started playing pat-a-cake with Theo, her sister manoeuvring his hands. theo let out a hiccup like he was about to start wailing again – but then he giggled.
Barney gazed at Divya. She looked after three kids and still found time to do a spot of gardening.
If anyone had the touch, it was Divya.
“We’re going to the playground, if you fancy coming,” she offered. Barney rubbed his eyes. “I could do with a shower first. Could you maybe take Theo and I’ll meet you there?”
“No problem at all.” Divya tugged off her gardening gloves and clapped her hands.“come on, everyone!”
Two minutes later, Barney watched from his bathroom window as Divya and the children strolled down the road in the direction of the park.
He should have been relieved, but all he felt was a squirming sense of inadequacy. Divya made it look so easy.
Theo deserved a parent like her. Not a shambolic one like him.
Barney heard the commotion from 200 yards away. His stomach clenched.
He’d recognise Theo’s screams anywhere, but the sound was layered with Divya’s yells and the howls of her children.
Divya was jiggling Theo frantically as his cries reached a crescendo.
Her son was lying face-down in the sandpit, fists hammering the ground.
Her oldest daughter had climbed to the top of a 15-feettall rope structure and Divya was shouting at her to come down.
The girl was instead enticing her younger sister to climb up. “All right?” Barney asked. Divya’s face was frozen. She carried on jiggling Theo mechanically and didn’t respond.
Theo’s roving eyes landed on Barney. He stopped crying and a lovely smile burst on to his face.
“Hello, mate,” Barney said, swooping in to take the baby from Divya. “i missed you, too.”
He was shocked to realise it was the truth.
He settled Theo in his pushchair and set about climbing the rope structure.
“Come here, you two,” he said to the girls. “in 10 years, you’ll be at the Olympics doing gymnastics, but for now stop scaring your mum and come down.”
The girls giggled and let him help them to the ground.
Divya was cross-legged in the sandpit, stroking her son’s hair.
“You’ve got a right one there,” she said, eyeing Theo.
“Haven’t I just? Takes after his dad, he does.”
The words were out of his mouth before he’d even registered the thought.
A warm feeling swelled in his belly. He glanced at Theo, who was still smiling. “Dada! ”theo cried. Barney let out a whoop. “Did you hear that?”
In the days that followed, Barney told everyone the story of Theo’s first word.
He re-enacted the scene over Chinese food with Rebecca and posted a blow-by-blow account on Facebook.
On Friday, when his mum came round to babysit, he was in full flow.
“Are you sure it wasn’t just nonsense sounds?” she asked. Barney shrugged. “Probably, but I don’t care. It was still amazing.”
“I’m glad.” Mum chuckled. “i assume you’re not still thinking of giving him up?”
Barney hugged Theo close to his chest.
“Nope. It turns out we’re stuck with each other. For ever.”