How can I explain to my mum that downsizing means she’ll have to clear out her clutter?
Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries
Dear Maggie
My mum is in her late 70s and is fit and active for her age, but she lives in a house which is too big for her now that all the family have gone.
She has decided it’s time to look for a smaller, more manageable house but the problem is she has rooms full of “stuff”. She hates to throw things out so cupboards are packed with toys, books and even clothes my sisters and I had as children. On several occasions we have gone over to her house and helped sort through what’s worth keeping and what should go to the charity shops.
She agrees with us at the time that this is the right thing to do and we offer to drop the stuff off at two of her chosen charity shops, but she always says “I’ll do it myself”. Trouble is, we’ve now realised she goes through the stuff again and some of it is back in the cupboards. When we point this out to her, she says: “Oh, it was those books that you loved when you were a little girl. I read them to you at bedtime and I can’t bring myself to part with them.”
Any time we get firm with her about this she gets weepy and says: “This was our life, I can’t just throw it away.” It’s infuriating and we don’t know what to do.
Maggie says
I can understand how difficult this situation is for you and your sisters. You want to see your mum happy and settled in a more manageable house which suits her needs at this stage in her
Dear Maggie
My son is four years old and is a really “picky” eater. He hates vegetables, doesn’t like meat and has to be coaxed into eating even a little bit of chicken.
He loves cereals, burgers, beans and chips but that’s really not a healthy diet for him. What can I do to persuade him to have a more varied diet?
Maggie says
It is frustrating when children won’t eat the foods we know are good for life. While she is prepared to do that, there is also a part of her which is desperately hanging on to the past and memories of the life you all shared together. I think you need to take this slowly and at a pace your mum is comfortable with. Involve her in looking through the “clutter” and in deciding what’s really worth keeping and what should go in the charity shop pile.
Try to give time to this and make it a happy experience, recalling memories, having a laugh together, but be firm and say: “Really, we don’t need this any more do we?”
Talk to her about the next stage of her life – the sort of house she wants in an area where she will be comfortable and at ease. Be positive and encouraging but try to understand that she is saying “goodbye” to a place where she lived, was happy and raised her family – that’s not easy but with a bit of patience, slowly she will be able to adjust to her new circumstances.
I think you and your sisters are doing the right thing in helping your mum to prepare for this move but the emotional side of things does make it more challenging.
Be gentle, be kind but be firm about the practicalities. You and your sisters could offer to take several boxes of your mum’s clutter to your own homes and then what you do withthemisuptoyou.ihopeit works out well for all of you. them. I’m afraid you are going to have to persevere. Don’t let him simply eat what pleases him all the time.
So keep persevering and prepare small portions of the meals you are cooking for the rest of the family, and give them to him without making a fuss. If he doesn’t eat then he will be hungry.
It’s a tough challenge you are facing, but you are the parent and it’s one which you know as a parent that you have to win.
Maggie Listens, The Sunday Post, Skypark, Suite 3/6, 8 Elliot Place, Glasgow G3 8EP maggielistens@sundaypost.com