NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

At the first late-afternoon service to appeal to hangover sufferers, the Rev Mark Montgomery leads the congregation in the first prayer: ‘Oh God, my head. Oh God, Oh God, make it stop. I promise I will never drink again.’

MONDAY

Following The Mail on Sunday’s bombshell revelations, a new cache of devastating messages exposes Donald Trump’s administration as inept, petty, chaotic, hateful and spiteful: his own Twitter feed. Meanwhile, the President repeats his assertion that he doesn’t have a racist bone in his body. But they ARE all white, critics counter.

TUESDAY

Following a nightmare start at the Open, Rory McIlroy makes good on his promise to punch himself. But, true to form, he misses.

After Boris Johnson waved a kipper around at the leadership hustings, there are worrying scenes when a Ukipper waves his Johnson around.

WEDNESDAY

On the night Boris moves into No10, the Chancellor complains of the noise of loud arguments and things being smashed next door. Promises, mainly.

Researchers who found that music is as effective as drugs in calming patients before an operation admit it doesn’t work with every song – notable exceptions are The First Cut Is The Deepest, Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart, and Another One Bites The Dust.

THURSDAY

Diane Abbott’s aides explain for the 53rd time that just because new £50 notes have a picture of codebreaker Alan Turing on them, they are not ‘cryptocurrency’.

FRIDAY

Politicians in the US city that banned male and female words defend their move, saying it was all laid out in their personifesto.