Vitamin D deficiency

‘So, Bertie,” said Olive, as she and Pansy approached him and a small group of other boys in the playground. “Where are you going for your summer holiday?”

“I’m not sure, Olive,” he mumbled. “You’re not sure?” exclaimed Olive. “That’s really serious, Bertie.” And turning to Pansy, she said, “Isn’t that amazing, Pansy? Bertie’s not made any plans for his summer holiday. Oh dear, oh dear.”

“I didn’t say that,” Bertie protested. “All I said was . . .”

“It’s really bad luck,” chimed in Pansy. “Poor Bertie! Imagine staying at home when everybody else is going to Disneyland and . . .”

“And Spain,” interjected Olive. “We’re going to a place called Benidorm. It’s a very exclusive resort. I wish you could see it, Bertie – you’d love it. Such a pity. Only very fashionable people go there. Everybody wears sunglasses.”

“It’s famous for that,” said Pansy. “I’ve seen pictures in magazines. All those people in their sunglasses, sitting in cafes. They all sit in cafes, you see. In the sun.”

Olive interrupted her. “I don’t think we should talk too much about it, Pansy. It’ll only make Bertie sad. He’s probably only going to somewhere like North Berwick. Or maybe even just Portobello. You don’t need sunglasses for that sort of place. It’s always cloudy in places like that and you wouldn’t be able to see where you were going if you wore sunglasses there.” Pansy laughed.

Bertie was not alone, and now one of the boys who had been with him intervened. It was Tofu, the toughest boy in the school, and the one least in touch with his feminine side.

“How do you know that Bertie would like to go to Spain, Olive?” he asked. “Not everybody wants to go to Spain, you know. And if Spain’s such a great place, why did all those Spanish people go to South America in the first place?”

Olive spun round to face Tofu. “So have you ever been there, Tofu?” she retorted. “Have you? I don’t think so. You go nowhere because your dad doesn’t believe in aeroplanes. Don’t think I don’t know that. My dad says your dad wants us to go back to the Stone Age.”

“Yes,” said Pansy. “Your dad is really sad, Tofu. I saw a programme on television with lots of people like your dad in it. Greens. They were really sad, and they all died at the end. It was a vitamin D deficiency.”

“Have you checked your dad’s vitamin D levels recently, Tofu?” Olive challenged. “Have you? I don’t think you have, you know. And you’ll get a very nasty surprise when you do.”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your dad, Tofu,” Bertie said. “I don’t think he’ll die for ages. Greens live until they’re really old.”

“Thanks, Bertie,” said Tofu.

“Oh, poor boys,” said Pansy. “Listen to them trying to make each other feel secure. It’s so sad, Olive.”

“And illegal,” said Olive. She shook a finger at Tofu. “I’ve got some news for you, Tofu. Do you want to hear it?”

“Tell him even if he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, Olive,” said Pansy. “He’s in denial. All boys are in denial, but Tofu specially.”

“Yes,” said Olive. “And I will tell you, you know. I’ll tell you because it’s best for you to know things about yourself – especially if you’re in denial – which you are.”

“Big time,” agreed Pansy. “Boys are often in denial. They can’t help it, I suppose.”

Tofu made a face. “I don’t care what you say. I’m not ashamed to be a boy. We like being boys – don’t we, Bertie?”

Bertie was not sure whether he wanted to get drawn into this debate. There were some arguments, he knew, that you simply could not win – and this, he had discovered, was one of them.

“I don’t think it’s nice to argue,” he said mildly.

But Pansy was not of that view. “Did you hear what Tofu said, Olive? Did you hear what he said about not being ashamed of being a boy?”

Olive nodded grimly. “Incredible,” she said. “But I suppose it’s not your fault, Tofu. I know you can’t help it. Especially since you’ve got all those warts on your hands. Warts love boys. Warts float around looking for a boy to grow on.”

Tofu looked down at his hands. “I’ve only got one wart,’” he said. “And there’s nothing wrong with having warts. It’s a sign that you’re strong.”

Olive shook her head. “Oh, that’s so sad, Pansy. Did you hear that? Tofu doesn’t know what warts mean. He doesn’t know.

I find that really sad.”

“Tragic,” said Pansy.

“And anyway, Tofu, leaving aside the question of warts, you need to know something else.”

“Tell him,” Pansy urged.

“You’ve been cancelled, Tofu. As a friend, I really have to tell you.” “With immediate effect,” said Pansy. Tofu looked anxious in spite of himself. “Who says?” he asked.

Olive smirked. “Who says? The public says. Social media, Tofu. You’re cancelled.”

Bertie looked alarmed. “What has Tofu done?” he asked.

Olive hesitated. “Where do we begin?” She sighed. “You heard him, Bertie. You heard him say that there was nothing wrong with being a boy.”

“I don’t care,” said Tofu. “I don’t care if I’ve been cancelled.”

“That’s what you say,” said Olive quickly. “But you’ll find out soon enough, Tofu. You’ll find out.”

Bertie tried to change the subject. “I think I’m going to go to a camp. I’m not sure, but I think I am.”

Olive looked interested. “Whereabouts, Bertie? Where’s this so-called camp you’re going to?”

“It’s near a place called Carlops.” Olive let out a shriek of delight. “But that’s marvellous, Bertie. I’m going to that camp too. And so is Pansy – aren’t you, Pansy?”

“Yes,” said Pansy. “That’s the plan.” “We’ll be able to show you what to do there,” said Olive. “And if you’re lucky, we can give you some of our food. We’ll be taking lots of chocolate cake and stuff.” “Big time,” said Pansy.

“I’ve been there before,” said Olive. “We go on expeditions. You can be in our team, Bertie. I’ll be leader and Pansy will be deputy leader. You can carry some of the stuff for us.” She smiled at Bertie. “I’m really glad you’re coming, Bertie. It’s going to be really good fun. All of us together – except for Tofu, of course.”

Bertie swallowed. He did not want to go to camp with Olive.

Now Olive thought of something. “I hope your friend, Ranald Braveheart Macpherson, isn’t coming, Bertie? Have you heard whether he’s coming?”

“I don’t think so,” said Bertie. “But why couldn’t Ranald come if he wanted to?”

Olive gave Bertie a pitying look. “Oh, Bertie, you just don’t get it, do you? Ranald is just so sad. Have you seen how spindly his legs are? They’re like matchsticks. Nobody wants to play with somebody like him. We’re prepared to be kind, aren’t we, Pansy?”

“Yes,” said Pansy. “We’re really kind.” “But there are limits,” Olive went on, “in fact, Bertie, I think it would be best if you dropped Ranald Braveheart Macpherson. It’s not going to do your reputation any good at all, you know. If you want people to respect you, you’re going to have to get better friends.” She paused. “Like us.” Pansy nodded.

“And going to camp with us will be a start,” Olive went on. “We can bond while we’re there. I’m looking forward to bonding with you, Bertie – I really am.”

“Me too,” said Pansy, adding, “Big time.”

“You’ve been cancelled, Tofu,” said Olive. “You heard him, Bertie. You heard him say that there was nothing wrong with being a boy”

© Alexander Mccall Smith, 2022. Love in a Time of Bertie (Scotland Street Volume 15) is in bookshops now. The Enigma of Garlic will be published in November by Polygon, price £17.99